Game of Thrones Review “The Dance of Dragons” S5E9

I never thought I’d see the day that I would prefer seeing Jaime and Cersei Lannister make sex in front of their dead son… but it has come nevertheless.

Pros

Ramsay delivers: Although it was kind of a bummer we didn’t get to see it planned, Ramsay’s sack of Stannis’ camp was swift and brutal, just as you’d expect from Ramsay. The kid has balls. Now that everybody hates Stannis, I don’t care who wins the brutal fighting between he and the Boltons, as long as we get to see more cool stuff like this.

Alliser’s subordination: With Aemon gone, Alliser Thorne could easily lead a mutiny against Commander Jon Snow. Snow’s heart, specifically his admiration and respect for the Wildling leaders, could end up screwing them all in the end. You can almost see the hatred in his eyes as he tells his underlings to open the gates. But he did it. He didn’t leave them all to die down there. It takes a real sense of duty not to take advantage of that opportunity.

Arya is not about that life: Maybe she wants to be a faceless assassin because it’s cool? Or because there is no Playstation to keep her busy? Either way, we know now that she is not anywhere near ready to become Nobody. All it took was for her to see Meryn Trant and her Assassin’s Creed quest was put on hold. Her hit list has been pretty much narrowed down to him and Cersei, so I suspect she’s gonna have fun torturing Trant if Jaqen H’ghar can’t put a cork in it.

What did the five fingers say to the face: Suhhh-LAP! One of my favorite moments in the episode was when the Sand Snakes were playing the slapping game in their cell. Tyene is losing badly to her older sister, Nymeria (who I just realized shares a name with Arya’s estranged direwolf), but smooth-talks her way into winning. And when it’s Tyene’s turn? IMP SLAP! This was perhaps the only feel-good moment in the entire episode.

Court of Harpies: Things are NOT alright in Meereen. Looks like the short-lived days of political banter with Dany and Tyrion are over. I would say that the chilling image of the camera panning the full crowd of Harpies is on the same level as when the dead were raised at the end of “Hardhome.” This show’s use of silence is exquisitely-timed. The chaos that ensued was a completely one-sided battle, an under-handed approach from the cowardly Sons of the Harpy. We also got to see Tyrion show off those legendary fighting skills and save Missandei. He’s just killing it this season. Drogon showing up was also magnificent.

Cons

It must suck to be Davos: For a smuggler, this guy has more loyalty than anybody else on the show not named Jorah. He’s following Stannis into a deep, dark hole – which at this point might just be his own ass. He’s sent off to Castle Black to get more men and supplies, where he’s likely to be told to piss off after Jon Snow brought home a horde of Wildlings. He has to say goodbye to Shireen in the most horrible way. What’s stopping him from just hanging out at Castle Black and fighting zombies? Sounds better than being Stannis’ right-hand man.

Ellaria is a giant wet blanket: I’m tired of this lady’s shit. Who is inviting her? She can’t keep her stupid mouth shut for 10 seconds without cutting people down. There’s no way this is the same person who Oberyn was in love with… Man, I miss that guy. On the flip side, I think Doran is an incredibly cunning and strategic ruler. I hope that we get to see more of him soon. I find it hard to believe Game of Thrones‘ time in Dorne is so short-lived, but you never know.

Let’s talk about distastefulness: It’s not like Meryn Trant was a difficult guy to hate already, but now we can add pedophilia to his list of disgusting habits. The only good part about this is that it will likely end with Meryn getting his balls chopped off if Arya can manage it. That, I’d be okay with. And Stannis? Fuck Stannis. I can’t really describe how shitty this made me feel. Stannis’ cold act made him easily the most hated character on the show. Worse than Ramsay, worse than Meryn, 100x worse than Cersei. I don’t understand how we could get such a rare, loving moment out of Stannis early on, and then this happens. I feel gross for even having watched that. Is Stannis becoming The Mad King 2.0? Whatever it was, this episode showed a lot of things that just disgusted me.

Get those Unsullied some Redshirts: The man who sold the Unsullied to Daenerys could have made a killing as a used car salesmen, because it seems like Dany got a straight-up lemon out of this deal. These guys suck at fighting. Trained from childhood to not feel pain, my ass. Were they actually trained how to fight?

Atreyu!!: Drogon showing up and roasting the Harpies was great, but The poor CGI used to show her riding Drogon was so distracting. It almost ruined the moment for me, and looked much more like Atreyu riding Falcor in The Never Ending Story than a Khaleesi riding her dragon. It seemed like all of this happened while Harpies were sporadically tossing javelins at Drogon. And what the hell happens with the rest of her people? She just left them in the arena.

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

“The Dance of Dragons”: This story, often referred to in this episode is about a Targaryen civil war between Aegon II and his half-sister, Rhaenyra. This war killed off many of the world’s remaining dragons, ending with Aegon II feeding Rhaenyra to his dragon while her son watched on. He died a few months later due to his injuries. It’s a bit reminiscent of Stannis’ decision to murder Renly, and is a fitting story to tell about what happens when Stannis chases his dumbass destiny.

Mace Tyrell is a tool: God, rich people with money have no damn shame. He is such a bumbling idiot, singing and bribing an laughing at his own shitty jokes.

Jaime’s Hulk hand: I couldn’t help but notice how ridiculously large and gaudy Jaime’s fake hand is. There’s a new cosplay idea for next year’s Denver Comic Con – take a Hulk hand and paint it gold.

Harpy man: You ain’t foolin NOONE, Hizdahr. Dany’s fake husband has got to be some underground leader of the Sons of the Harpy. The guy shows up late, giving that shitty smug smile the entire time. Then he just so happens to be the first one down with a knife wound… I’ve seen Scream. I know how this works.

The fighting pit: Let’s talk about this big guy’s Final Fantasy sword. It’s awesome. Oh, and that wrap-around dragon necklace Dany is rockin? It’s also awesome. Moving along, I personally loved the conversation between Daario and Hizdahr. Those guys hate each other, but their banter is always entertaining. Most frightening to me is how clever Hizdahr is when he speaks to Dany. Even Tyrion deflects the conversation when he has nothing to retort with, and that is scary to think about. Tyrion sees right through his fancy pants B.S., but he doesn’t quite know how to put him in his place yet – or at least that’s how it seems.

Greyscale: I don’t really understand how it works, but doesn’t Jorah touching her bare hand mean that she’s in risk of getting it?

Hodor Hodors (Best Quotes)

“You didn’t fail him. Or him. Or her. Every one of them is alive because of you, and noone else.” – Samwell Tarly

“The Tyrells can all rot in hell. Treasonous cunts.” – Meryn Trant on his thoughts about the Tyrells.

“There’s always been more than enough death in the world for my taste. I can do without it in my leisure time.” – Tyrion, right before there’s a bunch of death in his leisure time

“In my experience, eloquent men are right every bit as often as imbeciles.” – Tyrion Lannister

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

I really don’t know. Sansa wasn’t getting raped and beaten for a night, so she’s probably the closest thing to a winner this episode as anybody. Pretty much anybody who wasn’t in this episode walked away “winning.” Littlefinger is likely doing well after the creeper kiss with Sansa. Even little bitch-boy Robin Arryn probably had a better time than these poor saps.

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Hush Comics gives “The Dance of Dragons” an C+ because even though it had some of the show’s most distasteful scenes, there was a lot to think about after it was over – like what the hell is going to happen to Tyrion, Jorah, Daario and Missandei…

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones Review “Hardhome” S5E8

Don’t you hate when your friends come into your life and start trivializing your problems with their “real issues?” Well, that is exactly how this episode left me feeling. Who cares about your stupid battles over the crown?? There are MFing ice zombies on the other side of the wall, raising an army of the dead and giving Jon Snow “Come at me” face. All of a sudden, I find myself horrified thinking about Westeros’ future. Everybody is SO SCREWED! Sorry… where was I? Oh yes, this episode of Game of Thrones is one of the best of the entire series, but for much of “Hardhome,” I never quite felt like it was a Game of Thrones show. There are political musings, and talks of war going on in Winterfell; mostly, though, there are new and terrifying twists to a tale that there is no going back from. This is the beginning of the end times, folks.

Pros

Power couple: In ten minutes, Tyrion dropped more knowledge on Daenerys than anybody else has since this saga began. It’s true that she’s created her own little dynasty in Meereen, but she quite doesn’t know how to play the game. Tyrion brings a perspective to her side of the story that just hasn’t been there. Tyrion is neither afraid nor ashamed to open himself up like a book for Dany, and it’s not surprising that she took him in immediately. I could listen to them have Mind Sex all episode long, to be honest.

Karma is a Cersei: Seeing Cersei suffer in a sell and drink spilled water off the dungeon room floor was the single most gratifying moment of this season. Unlike Joffrey, where everybody was awaiting a horrific unnatural death, fans just  want to see Cersei put in her place. It’s kinda like Mean Girls: you didn’t want to see her get hit by a bus, but a healthy dose of humility and shame would do a body good. Can I get bonus points for a Mean Girls reference in Game of Thrones?

Nothing is true; everything is permitted: Okay, there is some straight Assassin’s Creed shit going on right here in Arya’s storyline. Her time training at the House of Black and White have led her on essentially the path of Ezio Auditore: learn some stuff, kill a guy. Now the promotions for Season 5 featuring Arya make more sense. There’s something deeper here going on; it’s becoming apparent that Jaqen H’ghar doesn’t give a damn about Arya as a person anymore with his mysterious “let the gods decide” spiel.

Strategy session with the Boltons: One thing that everybody seems to forget is that Ramsay is actually a very fierce warrior. Let’s not forget that he fought off a bunch of Greyhoy intruders in nothing but his pajama pants. Roose’s strategy of waiting out the intruders was that of a seasoned veteran, but it was just too much weak sauce for Ramsay, who would rather “send a message” in some cockamamie scheme that involves 20 men. There are two possible outcomes: it works and we get to see the gory success of his mission, or it doesn’t and we get to laugh at Ramsay as his plans fail and his father abandons him. Either way, we win.

The last 15 minutes: Balls to the wall, poop your pants excitement! For everybody who has been asking, “Where the hell are the ice zombies? Why doesn’t anybody care about the zombies??” Well, here is your goddamn answer. The segment focusing on Jon Snow’s expedition was every bit the cinematic masterpiece that one would expect. I haven’t seen much amazing directorial work since the siege at Castle Black at the end of Season 4. We knew that Jon was probably save in this battle, but had no idea who else would kick the bucket. One thing is for sure – this show has hit a point of no return with the White Walkers, and until we know what the hell is going on, that’s all viewers will be thinking about going forward.

Cons

Reek’s dick don’t work: I know Theon’s dick is gone, but where is his spine? He’s willing to spill the beans about Bran and Rickon, but still is afraid to do anything outwardly helpful. You can’t help but feel pity for the guy, but he does kinda deserve it all.

Jorah is a dummy: This guy is the Steve Urkel of Game of Thrones. He just won’t give up. His attempts to woo the queen are totally fruitless. Now, instead of being in a whorehouse in Volantis, he has sold himself back into slavery with a medium-severe case of Greyscale all to gain back her affection for a “sport” that she doesn’t give two shit about. Idiot…

Get OVER it, Olly: Dude, we get it. You have trust issues. The ugly Thenn (which regular Wildlings aren’t too fond of either) ate your dead momma and dead poppa. How long are you going to keep whining about that? If you’re gonna be a little bitch about it, at least do something productive like become Batman.

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

Cersei is losing friends: Blinded by vengeance (if you can even call it that…), Cersei has put a religious fanatic in control of the Kingdom and cast all her loyal allies aside. Even old man Pycelle – who was a creep, don’t get me wrong – has sought out the help of Ser Kevan Lannister, Tywin’s brother, to come back to King’s Landing and serve as Hand. They might just let her rot after all.

The Work Continues: Qyburn’s last words before leaving the dungeon had a hint of familiarity about them. We’ve seen his “ungodly” experiments in his lab, which resulted in some twitching by what was once The Mountain’s body. Could this be the work he spoke of? And does Gregor Clegane now have a midget head? Or maybe an extra midget head protruding from his body somewhere? Nothing would surprise me at this point, but I could see the family tradition of a trial by combat being requested by Cersei, should it come to that.

Knowledge is power, unless you’re Sansa: A huge secret was let out by Reek this week. He was guilted into telling Sansa that the two boys he killed were not Bran and Rickon Stark. There are in fact TWO living men (eventually, I’m sure) with the Stark family name, which puts a HUGE damper in the Bolton quest for unity in the North. Now, Sansa has this powerful weapon. Will she try to fly a raven to the rest of the North to let the other families know, or will she simply waste it on a spiteful conversation with her new husband? Chances are she will spill the beans, but I’m secretly rooting for her to make something of the situation and out-maneuver the Boltons.

My heart will go on: There was something VERY Titanic about the end scene. Ya know, if the Titanic were overrun by the undead. Even before the battle broke out, the teary-eyed longing goodbyes to the little ones foreshadowed major casualties. All the show was missing was the band that stayed and played to the end, or a dreamy Celine Dion music video.

4 horsemen: Very ominous sequence there with the four ice walkers on the horizon, symbolic of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Everything is scarier when there are four horsemen overlooking the death and chaos; it lets people know just how screwed they are.

Shit gets Valyrian: So it turns out that Dragonglass isn’t the only thing that kills White Walkers. Jon Snow ties the world record for most White Walkers slayed (with 1 kill) by using his sword, Longclaw – made from Valyrian steel. Only thing is, guys… there is no more Valyrian steel left. Aside from the blades given to Brienne and Jaime (melted down from Ned Stark’s Ice), Jon possesses one of the last blades made from the metal. But guess what Valyrian steel is forged in?? Fucking Dragonfire!! And guess who has dragons??? It’s likely that the death and destruction will reach Westeros before Jon can get word to the Khaleesi about it, but maybe Daenerys can make her way to the throne by killing the ice zombies with her dragons. I’ve supported candidates for less, so doing that would probably earn my vote.

Hodor Hodors (Best Quotes)

“I am the greatest Lannister-killer of our time.” – Tyrion Lannister

“If I want jokes, I’ll get myself a proper fool.” – Daenerys Targaryen

“I’m going to break the wheel.” – Daenerys Targaryen

“I’m not the one that got punched and kicked in the face.” – Gilly

“So would mine, but fuck em, they’re dead.” – Wildling lady

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

You can’t argue with the sentiment that the undead are winning the game of thrones, but let’s crown somebody in the land of the living, shall we? Tyrion is undoubtedly the smartest man in whichever room he’s in, and it just happens that he has won the trust – or at least amusement – of Daenerys Targaryen. Tyrion knows his way around a room, politically, and is not intimidated at the prospect of being killed; therefore, he is an open book with Khaleesi, and an excellent sounding board for what she has built up in her head as the correct way to rule. Maybe Tyrion will get to ride that dragon after all. Eww, not like that.

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Hush Comics gives “Hardhome” an A+ for giving fans something to be truly frightened for – a departure from its well-known politics, violence and boobagry and an entrance into the fantastical, unknown, and… ice zombies.

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones Review “The Gift” S5E7

Sh!t has gotten real on Game of Thrones! For the first time in quite a while, the episode ends without an impromptu cliffhanger, but there are still so many unanswered questions. Tyrion has finally met the Queen of Meereen, Jorah is back in the company of his Khaleesi, Jon Snow has left Castle Black in the hands of his biggest rival, and Cersei’s secret weapon has backfired on her, horribly. Oh, and quite possibly one of the sexiest scenes in the series took place when Bronn flirts with Tyene Sand, and Death itself. “The Gift” is a great episode on its own, and sets up the series for the kind of progression that there will be no looking back from.

Pros

Chain of command: The hierarchy of the Night’s Watch is getting more and more complex as the show goes on. Jon Snow has all the respect he deserves as Lord Commander – at least, to his face. Ser Alliser Thorne is a capable First Ranger, but let’s not forget that the camp is full of his supporters, and with him gone, and with Maester Aemon now gone, there is really nobody left on Team Snow aside from Sam. We see his mettle tested when the two Crows try to forcibly take Gilly, and that’s just day one. The Night’s Watch is full of traitors, murderers and rapers rapists, so if Jon Snow ever returns, he could be coming back to a very hostile environment.

Sansa spits venom: Sansa surprised everybody with her verbal jabs this week. She spent the beginning of the episode curled up in the fetal position frightened and badly battered, reminding us of the horrible end scene to “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken.” With how meek her character was, I did not expect her to use such venom in her words when she spoke to Ramsay, calling him a bastard to his face and filling him with doubt about his place as heir to Winterfell. Sansa clearly learned a thing or two from Littlefinger: “Even the most dangerous man can be out-maneuvered.”

Iwan Rheon: He’s undoubtedly the most hated character on the show – I’d venture to say I hate him more than I ever did Joffrey, but Joff has been dead a whole season, so maybe time has healed wounds – but there is no denying that Ramsay Bolton is a charismatic character. He flashes his smile, and says something clever, and you almost forget that his two biggest hobbies are: hunting down ex-girlfriends and flaying people alive. I got to give it up to the acting chops of Rheon. Ramsay is so horrible, yet I want more and more screen time with him just so I can watch him fall – where as Joffrey, I just wanted that little bastard to die.

Cersei’s depth: Another character that’s easy to hate is Cersei (it’s SO easy a caveman could do it), but for completely different reasons. She has her father’s ambitions, but none of the diplomatic sense that came with it. Through all her hatred, nothing will change that she is a mother who is willing to do whatever is necessary to protect her children. This leads to a quite unexpectedly touching moment where she tells Tommen what she is willing to do to keep him safe; it almost endears viewers to her. Well, that is, until she taunts Margaery about being in the dungeon. Karma is a Cersei, I guess.

You. Don’t. Know. Me.: Myrcella brings up a very good point to Jaime as they speak. Jaime has traveled half-way around the world to “rescue” his niece/daughter from Dorne, but never really thought about how she would feel about it. It was all just some idealistic excursion meant to impress Cersei (which is ironic in the sense that staying there meant he would have convinced her not to give power to a group of religious fanatics). Dorne has been so good to Myrcella, and she is betrothed to the Prince. Of course, it doesn’t change the fact that she is in legitimate danger from Ellaria Martel. Hopefully, Jaime and Doran get to talk about that before things get blown out of proportions, but with the way the show loves chaos, probably not.

Team Littlefinger/Olenna: The two biggest schemers in Westeros met at Baelish’s broken whorehouse to run games one more time. Together, they orchestrated the Purple Wedding. Killing a boy king is one thing, but they have a whole new set of problems that I’m not sure they realize yet. The Sparrows play by a set of rules they are unfamiliar with, and Littlefinger’s plans to plan all sides is going to fail quickly if he is outed. Olenna, likewise, will have no power is House Tyrell is to lose their fortune. As intelligent and diabolical as this tag team is, they are not used to playing defense.

Cons

Something Reeks: I smell a rat, and it’s in the form of the dickless Theon Greyjoy. Reek is weak, we know that, but there was some real hope for redemption in this episode. All he had to do was go to the stupid Broken Tower, put a candle in the window, and go on about his meaningless existence. The way he interacts with Sansa, there’s a very “I owe you” tone about the way he talks to her, and it still might happen later on down the line, but Brienne is freezing her tits off in the cold and now an innocent old woman has been tortured and killed due to Reek’s cowardice. Just add it to the body count, I suppose.

Dany – awful leader, even worse spouse: Good job on opening up the fighting pits, Daenerys, but not every negotiation is satisfied with a half-assed commitment on paper and a public appearance. She’s still boning Daario Naharis after she offered herself in marriage to Hizdahr. Dany is convinced that the marriage is purely to keep up appearances. You think the same people who slaughtered slaves in the name of tradition are just gonna let adultery slide? If she keeps this up, she’s gonna have a big ass A branded on her forehead.

Tommen is bad at his job: It pains me to say it, but… I miss Tywin. Yeah he was an awful father to Tyrion, but he knew how to rule a kingdom, and Tommen was his second chance to wipe the slate clean of Joffrey. Tommen is kind and malleable, but he’s just a stupid little kid who needs guidance. In the end, it’s not his fault he sucks at being king, but the blame still falls on him, because age is not an excuse for weakness in these dire times.

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

You are not alone: It’s been a while since anybody from the Stark family has been mentioned to Sansa. Her and Jon were never close, but hearing his name took her aback. I couldn’t see Sansa being enough motivation to have Jon come to Winterfell, but I could see Jon being enough motivation to see Sansa escape Winterfell for the Wall.

Gily givin up the goods: Sam’s first time!! This is the proudest moment I’ve felt on the show in a long time. Sam has killed the boy, and let the man live. He got the crap kicked out of him, and then he got laid for it. I hope Jon told him about pulling out, because a pregnant Gilly would mean bad, bad things for both of them.

Our little slave auction: The irony of black slave merchants sell white slaves was not lost on me. I was, however, confused at how the guy who supposedly killed Khal Drogo in hand-to-hand combat only fetched 20 gold coins. The whole ordeal was pretty awkward, especially when Tyrion tried to convince everybody that he was a prized fighter and that he and Jorah were a team. All I could think about was Jorah wielding Tyrion like a giant club and swinging him at other people.

Singing chops: After hearing Bronn finish the “Dornishman’s Wife” song he started last week, I had to look up and see if he was a singer. Turns out that the actor who plays Bronn, Jerome Flynn, used to be part of a two-man boy band called Robson & Jerome. It’s quite hilarious, but the music is pretty good, too. On top of that, Iwan Rheon, the guy who plays Ramsay Bolton, was making music under his real name up until he started on GoT. It’s all quite unexpected, and before this show ends for good, I’m expecting an All-Star compilation album, or a Buffy “Once More With Feeling”-type musical episode. Make it happen!

Credit: YouTube

 

“Sister”: Cersei makes one last mockery of Margaery before leaving her in the dungeon. She calls Margaery “sister,” a name that she threatened to kill Margaery over if she ever referred to Cersei as. It’s all to taunt Margaery, I’m sure, but there could be a bit of subconscious denial there to dispute what the mage Maggy said to her as a young girl. Calling Margaery sister refutes the idea that a younger, more beautiful woman would replace her in power.

Hodor Hodors (Best Quotes)

“He was the blood of the Dragon, but now his fire has gone out.” – Samwell Tarly on Aemon Targaryen

“All rulers are either butchers or meat.” – Daario

“What will we find when we strip away your finery?” – High Sparrow

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

The High Sparrow is no dummy, and he is able to out-maneuver both Cersei and Olenna, two of the most cunning characters in the show. He is not motivated by the same things that these ladies are accustomed to manipulating men with. Not Olenna’s money nor Cersei’s sex appeal will bend him. Forget playing the by the same rules, this guy isn’t even playing the same game. He threatens Olenna on some straight up Occupy Wall Street shit, and used Cersei’s own blind ambition to persecute Margaery to build up the power to charge the Queen Regent.

While this is sure to throw the entire kingdom into chaos and warfare again, it’s really hard to argue with the logic. King’s Landing is a place of filth and corruption, so a major overhaul doesn’t actually sound that bad. The High Sparrow might look like a crazy old man, but his sense of timing in bringing Lancel forward reinforces that he is a sly and calculating man.

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Hush Comics gives “The Gift” an A for becoming the launching point for chaos and rebirth. Daenerys and the High Sparrow both want to metaphorically (less so in Dany’s case) burn the world to the ground and start anew.

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones Review “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” S5E6

The theme of this week’s episode of Game of Thrones is truth. Okay, truthiness. Each situation that the main characters were forced with was contingent on telling the truth, Arya most of all. Littlefinger has been deceiving all parties in the guise of transparency. Cersei, meanwhile, is finding out that the truth is a very malleable concept, and she uses it to lure the Tyrell family into the grasp of the High Sparrow. Her brother, on the other hand, learned very quickly that sneaking around was not the best course of action. More sinisterly, Myranda told Sansa the truth and she completely ignored it, and by the end of the episode, she was: bowed, bent over and broken.

Pros

Faceless epiphany: Arya finally uncovers the secret of the many-faced men. She walks through a chamber, much like the Chamber of Secrets in Harry Potter, and discovers 1000’s of faces kept there. Now, I was always under the impression that there was some kind of magic or voodoo crap going on, and while it’s doubtful that these guys don’t just stash these faces in their pockets when they go out, it’s nice to know there is some type of explanation as to how this happens. Jaqen H’ghar says that while Arya is not ready to become “no one,” she was ready to become “someone else.” Maybe the Arrow?

Tyrion is the best character: Finally, Tyrion’s marathon of speech breaks down Jorah’s walls and open up about their political views. The parts I love most about Tyrion is that his conversations are always fruitful. They may not be what the other characters want to hear, but they are always what I want to hear as a fan. It took him four seasons to figure out that his last name was a curse and not a blessing, and that his cunningness is a trait with much use. His silver tongue saved not only his own genitalia, but rescued Jorah Mormont from being worked to death in the pits. Now they are both on their way to Meereen, albeit not in the best circumstances.

Dornography: With House Martell’s motto being the title of the episode, I’m glad there was finally some focus on what has been building up for most of the season so far. There’s a formal introduction to the lovebirds Trystane and Myrcella, who are really the victims of this whole ordeal. Luckily (and maybe a bit too conveniently), the Sand Snakes’ plans are foiled by Jaime and Bronn. If Jaime and Bronn can take all three of the Sand Snakes, how deadly are they? Areo Hotah is my new favorite character – at least until he dies, which is inevitable before the season ends. I’m excited to see how this unfolds and how Prince Doran, who is understandably angry over his siblings’ deaths, reacts to this situation.

Cons

Stones + Glass Houses: Cersei’s idiocy is showing for all to see. Littlefinger is playing her sooo hard, she can’t even see it because she is so caught up in her own rage. She’s unleashed a fire she can’t possibly hope to contain. Lest she forget about her multiple infractions of incest (one of which is a freaking Sparrow man) and bastard children. She’s in for some major atonement.

Withered rose: What a letdown. Lady Olenna traveled all that way to basically add fuel to the flame. Margaery was screwed the moment she opened her mouth, so Olenna not only doomed her son and heir, but her daughter and Queen, too. With the way she handled Joffrey, I was expecting some real action to take place. Obviously, she won’t take this threat lying down, but this episode was a huge misstep for House Tyrell.

Winterfail: Myranda’s jealousy led her to try to scare Sansa off with horrific stories about how she and Ramsay would mutilate and murder his past lovers. However, Sansa really should have heeded that warning – or the one staring her in the face as she accepts her marriage, Reek. Ramsay is an evil shit, and she is a dumbass for thinking things would be different for her. Ramsay is like a grown up version of Joffrey. The ending scene on their wedding night is quite possibly the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen on the show, and it did not sit well with me, mostly because I know it will only get worse from here on out. Somebody please kill this dude.

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

The Waif: I may be mistaken, but wasn’t that girl blind the last we saw her? The one Arya called a cunt? I wonder if blindness is in Arya’s future, too.

Suicide Watch: The slaver that takes Tyrion and Jorah captive is Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Oz, Lost), who will play Killer Croc in the upcoming Suicide Squad movie. After the appearance of Rila Fukushima in “High Sparrow,” could this be more than a coincidence? Also, could the irony of captors capturing the captor be any stronger?

The Dornishman’s Wife: The song Bronn tries to serenade Jaime with is a ditty from the books, most well known for being sung by Mance Rayder. It’s basically about how a Dornishman killed a man for getting busy with his wife.

Not my Godswood: Something about Ramsay and Sansa being wed underneath the Godswood just pissed me off. It was like desecrating something special. We really haven’t seen the tree used since Bran was still Lord of Winterfell, so this felt just… violating.

Hodor Hodors (Best Quotes)

“The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant.” – Malko (slaver)

“We both peddle fantasies, Brother Lancel. Mine just happen to be entertaining.” – Petyr Baelish

“Sometimes we must work with our rivals instead of destroy them.” – Lady Olenna Tyrell

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

One could argue the point that Cersei won this episode, and I certainly would not say that they are incorrect… but I hate Cersei, and since this game is rigged, I will not allow her to win. While she may have won the battle with the Tyrells, she will not win the war. Littlefinger, on the other hand, has the big picture in mind with his moves. In the interest of appearing transparent with all parties involved, he has revealed the same circumstances to each of the possible victors (aside from Stannis) in the hopes of endearing the winner and possibly supplanting whomever is kicked out of Winterfell. Worst case scenario, he has surrounded himself with subordinates in the Eyrie, whose narrow Bloody Gates make it near impossible to penetrate. He even seems willing to deliver Sansa’s head to Cersei if it means naming him Warden of the North (probably not, though). Baelish is always thinking six steps ahead of his opponents, which at this point is most everybody, so where he ends up is anybody’s guess. The only ones who have been able to match him intellectually in the story so far have been Tyrion and Varys; with them half a world away, Littlefinger can play.

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Hush Comics gives “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” a B- for showing us an episode of chess moves that, while entertaining and foreshadowing, was hard to watch as a fan.

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones Review “Kill the Boy” S5E5

Sometimes Game of Thrones can be so intense with the raping and murdering that we don’t get a chance to really dive into who these characters are and what motivates them. It’s a key part to story development that can be left unappreciated. Last night’s “Kill the Boy” had all the makings of senseless slaughter in its title, but it was symbolic for the changes in maturation that Sansa Stark, Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen have to make on their path to becoming leaders. The change in pace was a welcome one, and the extra focus on each story gave them a better sense of depth.

Pros

Mother’s Day: For all of those that ditched their moms to watch Game of Thrones, it was a neat little inclusion to have Daenerys go on about motherly responsibilities and such. It was also kind of nice to see her feed the head of one of the ancient families to her dragons.

Maester Aemon’s presence: After his notable absence from the last episode, Maester Aemon is clearly the voice of reason and neutrality in what has otherwise been dogs fighting over scraps. He’s basically been the steady hand patting Jon Snow on the back for his unsure decisions. While Jon is an honorable leader, he seems to lack the strategic know-how that made Robb the great commander he was before death. Aemon’s (or his successor’s) steady hands could help Jon see things more clearly

Miranda’s games: I’m a fan of when anybody pulls one over on Ramsay, as he is one slippery fish. By letting Sansa know about Reek, she’s started planting seeds in her head that Ramsay is an undesirable candidate for marriage. It might not work, because in the realm of Sansa’s betrothals, Ramsay is only second-worst. It could, however, trick Ramsay into showing his chest just enough to embarrass himself and lose his father’s favor.

Ramsay and Roose, as people: It’s easy to dismiss Ramsay and Roose Bolton as villains from the get-go, but when Game of Thrones spends more time on their individual stories… well, it’s actually even easier to define them as the bad guys. “Kill the Boy” gives a much more detailed look at who they are as people. They are from the North, and yet, they differ wildly from the Starks or the Mormonts. In their own eyes, they are not evil, and that makes their perspective all the more intriguing. Although, the loving father-child speech Roose gives is far less convincing than Stannis’ talk with Shireen.

Poetry in motion: This episode had a certain elegance to it. There wasn’t really any action (barbecue notwithstanding), yet the extra detail they paid to each scene made it feel more enveloped. The scene that left the best impression was the poem about The Doom that Jorah and Tyrion recited. Prior to Season 5, a teaser was released of Harry Lloyd (who played Viserys Targaryen) reciting the poem. It’s chilling stuff.

Rigorous Cuddling: Finally, Grey Worm professes his love… kinda… for Missandei. These two have been dancing around the issue for too damn long! Now that Grey Worm and Missandei have locked lips, it’s time to take the relationship to the next level. Grey Worm doesn’t need a professional cuddler anymore; he’s got the real deal. I hope this relationship continues to grow, but it will probably end horribly for everyone.

Cons

The Pink Panthers: Let’s be honest. Brienne and Podrick’s meandering have no bearing on what’s actually going on. They’re so convinced that they are making a difference, and that their mission is a righteous one. They aren’t, and it isn’t. It’s almost comical how irrelevant and unnecessary their mission is at this point. I’m sure that will change eventually, but right now it’s making them both look stupid.

Sansa. Still: Logic says that if a bunch of people murdered my family and came into my home that I would have a good sense of stranger danger – not Sansa. Miranda easily lures her into the kennels, filled with ferocious beasts. She has not learned a damn thing. I couldn’t imagine her becoming Wardeness of the North. I would feel so bad for those people.

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

The Broken Tower: Brienne passes on a message to Sansa about lighting a candle in the top of The Broken Tower. That tower is the same one where all the ridiculousness started, where little Bran saw Cersei and Jaime doing the sex and was consequentially pushed from it. Stupid tower started a chain reaction of misfortune for everybody.

Awkward: I haven’t seen a more awkward family dinner since Jesse came over to the White residence on Breaking Bad. It’s embarrassing enough having to endure dinner with the people who murdered your brother and mother, but bringing in the dickless former ward of your dead father who pretend murdered your little brothers has got to make for a terrible time. These people are practically the Anti-Starks. Even Walder Fray’s greasy daughter Walda could ease the tension.

Stannis, the Grammar Nazi: All this time, we were led to believe that in Westeros, the scum of the Earth who took womenhood without permission were referred to as rapers, but after Stannis refers to them as “rapists,” were we fooled by bad grammar all along? Stannis knows his grammar, and was quick to check the Night’s Watch guy on his use of “fewer.” I’m beginning to like Stannis more each episode.

The Stone men: In “The Son of the Harpy,” Stannis tells Shireen that the case of Greyscale she had could be a lot worse, that he was advised to send her to Valyria and be with the Stone Men. Well, good thing ol Poppa Stannis has a heart, because you can imagine the homecoming a little girl would have gotten with those guys. Now that Jorah has the Greyscale, the question isn’t “How long will he live,?” but rather “Who will he give it to?” If he’s already turning into Ben Grimm after a few hours, imagine how easily he’ll spread it to unsuspecting people. Jorah will do anything to redeem his honor in the eyes of his Khaleesi, but at what cost? Can you imagine the city of Meereen victim to a plague of Greyscale? There’s not enough Lubriderm in the world to keep the disease from spreading.

Hodor Hodors (Best Quotes)

“But a good mother never gives up on her children.” – Daenerys

“Of course I do. I’m not blind.” – Ramsay, upon being asked if he thought Sansa was pretty

“Long, sullen silences and an occasion punch in the face – the Mormont way.” – Tyrion

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

Daenerys came out hard this week, rocking the Power Girl boob window. The chilling speech she gave before having one of the head of house sacrificed to her dragons rekindled the Daenerys of old, and pretty much cleared any question of her ability to rule I had. It was also an appropriate metaphor for her not to wipe out the people now who oppose her – and once called her Mhysa (Mother). Daario was partially right; her power resides in her dragons, and she should use them as such. However, her real power resides in capturing the trust of her people. Her decision to marry Hizdahr zo Loraq is an obvious power play, and a smart one to unite the city under her control. She has Hizdahr under her thumb, and although he can sometimes convince her to see the other side of the argument, she is never tricked into a decision she disagrees with. Some might see the marriage as a step back for her as a strong, female character, but it’s pretty obvious she is using his status to get what she wants.

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Hush Comics gives “Kill the Boy” a B+ for using a slow episode to take the time and show some depth and humanity to its roster of characters.

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones Review “Sons of the Harpy” S5E4

This season of game of Thrones has been all about cliff-hangers. It seems like every episode ends with me saying, “I’ll be so pissed if that was the end of…. Dammit!” With so much of the story spread around Westeros, there’s usually not even an immediate answer to those predicaments. This week is no exception; it’s more of a set-up episode than an action episode, but you can already see the dominos that began to fall at the end of Season 4 are tipping over – and my, they fall quickly. No matter the outcome of this Game, I don’t see anybody getting a happy ending.

Pros

Religious zealots with power? What could go wrong?: This is a love/hate relationship, but I’m a big fan of the portrayal of the conflict of interest that arises when real power is given to religious cults. It’s been going on throughout time (and is still kind of happening today), but the way Game of Thrones tackles the issue with the Sparrows is genius. It’s all a stupid chess move from Cersei – equivalent to leaving your Queen open to protect a pawn – but the implications are much deeper.

Cersei is really bad at chess: Cersei has zeroed in on Margaery, and is so worried about Margaery taking over the little power she has left that she is willing to throw out the baby with the bathwater to take her down. She’s imprisoned Ser Loras, who, although quite gay, is quite the fighter. Then, she sends the blundering idiot Mace Tyrell to talk to the Iron Bank of Braavos about a reprieve in payment. Oh, and she unleashes the Sparrows on her enemies, which is like setting a nuke off in your backyard and then plugging your ears to prevent collateral damage. In short, she end up with a lot of bad things happening to her in her efforts to thwart Margaery. Too bad Olenna isn’t there to set things straight.

Jon Snow’s self-control: You know, I’ve never been faced with the dilemma of asking the man who murdered my family for help, but I’d like to think that I would have the fortitude that Jon Snow had when he agreed to ask Roose Bolton for men and supplies. Not even the evil vagina of death could persuade Lord Commander Snow to defect from his vow. Stannis was certain that it was honor that got Ned killed, but I’m certain Snow’s honor and duty is the only thing keeping The Night’s Watch from murdering Jon, should he ever choose to defect.

Stannis has a heart?: Wow, of all the crazy crap that happened this episode, Stannis Baratheon sharing his feelings was by far the most surprising. This man has been as emotional as a rock throughout the series, so when Shireen asked him if he was ashamed of her, I was expecting the same old a-hole Stannis we’ve always seen. Instead, we are blessed with one of the sweetest father-daughter stories of the series. Maybe this guy isn’t too heartless to rule the kingdom.

Cons

Tommen is not about that life: Let’s be honest, this little bastard is so screwed. In whatever twisted Incest Goldilocks story going on, Tommen bear got the short end of the stick in the leadership area. Yeah, he’s just a boy, and he’s been raised by the most manipulative bastard in the Kingdom, but this goes back to what I said last week about where Robb Stark was at that time. Tommen has been bred to be a snobby little Lordling, while Robb was groomed to become Warden of the North. Either way, this city is gonna swallow this little dude whole if he doesn’t wise up soon. Monster he may have been, but the Crown could definitely need some Tywin wisdom right now.

You don’t get to say those words: I think they’ve done a great job with Melisandre thus far, but hearing her say Ygritte’s phase just got under my skin. I don’t know if it was in the book or not, but not a well-written line. If I were Jon, it wouldn’t magically convince me to do the sex with the Red Woman. It would, however, make me start to believe that I really didn’t no anything.

Ellaria’s vengeance: I’ve heard that Ellaria is actually a benevolent person in the books, which makes sense given that she was practically soulmates with Oberyn Martell. So, her unrelenting resolve to start a war seems like good TV, but it’s a bit conflicting to who she has been as a character. I’m especially drawn aback by her determination to fulfill the revenge by murdering Myrcella, something that both Doran and Oberyn were adement against it. It makes me worry that this is going to make her unlikable and one-dimensional; hopefully it doesn’t bleed into the Sand Snakes, who seemed much more impressionable than I previously thought.

The Unsullied kinda suck: For having their wieners chopped off and trained to murder from childhood, these guys kinda suck. They’re outfitted with armor (-ish), a shield and a long-spear, and still somehow have difficulty to defeat a bunch of guys wearing party masks and pajamas, brandishing daggers.  Color me unimpressed, but I expected this army to be ridiculous in combat. Only Grey Worm really brought his A-game, and it still wasn’t enough to save Ser Barristan Selmy. RIP Ser Barristan, the only guy with enough balls to tell Joffrey to shove off and keep his head.

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

New real estate: Dorne is finally important enough to have a  opening credits – took them long enough, jeez. Also, when Jaime and Bronn are on their way to Dorne, they pass Tarth, the Sapphire Isle. It’s no coincidence; that’s where Brienne of Tarth is from. The water is so blue that it shimmers like jewels, not because it’s teeming with riches.

One more name on the list: With Mace Tyrell being the bumbling idiot that he is, Cersei sent Ser Meryn Trant with him to stand before the Iron Bank of Braavos. Trant is the one who led the charge to apprehend Arya in Season 1 and presumably murder Syrio Forel, and he just so happens to be one of the names on Arya’s short Hit List. We could see a reunion. Or, in her attempt to let go of her previous life, maybe we won’t. Although, I’m personally waiting for a Janos Slynt-sized fistful of karma.

Fighting and fuckin: Really, isn’t that all this show is? Maybe that’s why we like Bronn so much.

More depth to Jaime: As long as he’s boinking his sister, Jaime Lannister will always an irredeemable character. However, that doesn’t mean he can’t be a complex character. Here, it’s revealed that Jaime regrets helping to free his brother, since Tyrion thanked Jaime by putting a couple bolts through his father. There’s also gotta be some symbolism there with the snake in the sand that Bronn kills… whoa… Sand Snakes? I might be on to something.

High Sparrow/Eddard comparisons: They’re not exactly the same, but it’s an interesting parallel to see how Cersei and the late King Robert enlisted the services of these noble men, and how it sort of blew up in both of their faces. As honorable as Ned was, it couldn’t save him from others’ intentions. Similarly, the High Sparrow himself is a noble and devout man (seemingly…), but his followers… eh, not so much. I’m excited to watch this blow up in Cersei’s face.

Hodor Hodors (Best Quotes)

“There’s nothing like a good fight to get you in the mood to fight. And there’s nothing like a fuck-mad Dornish to clear your headfor the next fight” – Bronn

“Come, let’s speak somewhere the dead can’t hear us.” – Petyr Baelish

“You are Princess Shireen of House Baratheon and you are my daughter.” – Stannis Baratheon

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

Uh… The Sons of the Harpy? Varys? Nobody really won this episode. I think Littlefinger has to be the closest to “winning” as it got here. He’s been playing Sansa like a fiddle, and he has a very “big picture” type of game in mind. He knows that Stannis is coming to reclaim the North, and if successful, will need to give a Stark the North to gain the other families’ favor. On the other hand, if Stannis is unsuccessful, then Baelish can play both sides and Sansa can go back to being a submissive wife to Ramsay while Littlefinger keeps favor to the Boltons. That kissing scene, though? Probably could have done without that.

More exciting is Petyr’s exposition about the late Lyanna Stark. The account of a past tournament insinuates that the late Prince Rhaegar Targaryen was visually unhappy with his wife, Elia Martell, and quite smitten by Lyanna Stark. Whether or not she returned the affection is unknown since the popular belief is that Rhaegar kidnapped and raped her. Notice Petyr’s reaction to Sansa’s declaration; it looked like he had something to hide. Anywho, the point is that this scene is just adding fuel to the fan theories.

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Hush Comics gives “Sons of the Harpy” a B for meandering around in spectacular fashion. The dominos have begun to fall, and it doesn’t look like anybody is going to win this Game.

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones Review “High Sparrow” S5E3

If took him almost 4-1/2 seasons, but Jon Snow knows something! He knows a lot about how to lead, and how to tell the king of the world to kindly go fuck himself. This week’s Game of Thrones episode, “High Sparrow,” wasn’t all about Jon Snow, but there was enough enjoyment at Castle Black to keep me satisfied for the entire hour. Margaery is Queen and Arya is on her way to becoming just a girl. Sansa is being whored off unknowingly once again, and Cersei is plotting revenge by way of the President in the G.I. Joe movies. All hell is breaking loose in Westeros, and we get a front-row seat!

Pros

It’s nice to see Arya eager to learn again. She’s been so full of sass and ready to run through people that I miss the time when she was working hard for Syrio Forel’s approval. It seems there is a new master. The House of Black and White looks like no joke. She better get ready to be Karate Kid’ed all over again. I also loved that she wasn’t willing to part with Needle, the one connection that Arya still has with Jon. Too many feels to let go of at once.

Tommen is actually pretty cool. He has a gentle heart, which means he is going to get eaten alive. He’s already getting played by Margaery. With all that’s going on with him, and remembering that he is around the same age as Bran, it made me think of where Robb Stark was at that age. He was being named King in the North by surrounding tribesmen, and defeating Jaime Lannister in battle on some grown man shit. Starks > Lannisters.

Podrick’s heart is as big as his wiener. I’m glad he and Brienne had a bonding moment, and Brienne’s story about Renly was touching.

Finally, something big that happens in the show that hasn’t happened in the books. I can’t wait to tell all my book snob friends that Sansa is marrying Ramsay Bolton. I love that the show is starting to diverge, little by little. Marrying off Sansa is a great power play by the Boltons… even if it doesn’t make a damn bit of sense in their relationship with the crown. I love that Roose isn’t falling for Littlefinger’s shit. There’s a much bigger power play at hand, and now the book fans can’t spoil it!

I’m petitioning that we change the title of United States President to King Turtle.

Cons

To be honest, that’s a little bit too much family sex talk, even for Cersei. Margaery is playing a very heavy-handed game right now. Cersei sees right through her ploys and Margaery has absolutely no idea what kind of diabolical shit Cersei is capable of. She’s not just playing with fire, she’s pulling the lioness’ tail. In short, this bitch Margaery must want to get cut.

While I was ecstatic to see Llittlefinger’s ploy unravel, Sansa continues to make the weakest decision possible at any given time. Who in their right damn mind would be goaded into marrying into the family of the man who murdered her family? Also, how easy was it for Littlefinger to manipulate her to go along with it? Girl is a bonafide idiot. If her plan doesn’t involve revenge, then she’s gonna get torn apart by Ramsay.

If Stannis were a rapper, then Davos would be a sub-par hype man. The guy is just not convincing. He does such a poor job of convincing Lord Commander Jon Snow to join the cause against Roose Bolton. “Hey kid, tell me the oath. No, no. Skip all that crap about honor and brotherhood. Let’s go to the part where you have to help us do stuff when it’s convenient. Ice walkers? Squash that noise. Just help us get The North back.”

On that note, I thought the whole reason for them to come North was to fend off the White Walkers. Instead, Stannis is essentially playing house by taking his borrowed army to the weakest part of Westeros to wipe out a family nobody really likes anyway. The guy has no friends, and nobody will give any shits about his rightful claim to the throne if you don’t put a Stark in charge at Winterfell. Basically, Stannis is the bologna sandwich of rulers.

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

Somebody get Cersei some Banana Boat, because she is getting buuuuurned. The whole way to the wedding, people were cheering for their Queen – their NEW Queen. Must suck being old. Margaery even jabs at her, calling her the Dowager Queen, which is what you might call Elizabeth II. This never happens, but I was kinda Team Cersei this episode. The reaction that Cersei gave the High Septum was priceless.

The issue with the Septon was also indicative of how we treat sexuality as a whole today. Privately, everybody engages in the lewd acts, but once it becomes public that other people do it, too, they are instantly shunned. Out of fear of being publicly ridiculed for their acts, their opponents turn up the act of innocence a notch. In this case, it was Cersei who tries to warm herself to the High Sparrow.

Let’s talk about Reek. The guy didn’t say a word all episode long. He just shared horrified winces with us anytime Ramsay or Sansa came close. I have two theories. The straight-forward theory is that he is afraid that Sansa will recognize him, causing him shame (or pain). Ramsay is a sick fuck who enjoys hurting Reek, and Sansa, being betrothed to Ramsay, is apt to join in after what Theon did to her home. The more pensive guess is that Reek is having remorse for what he did, and is debating whether or not to warn Sansa of the type of man Ramsay is.

Qyburn is up to some nasty stuff. He’s somehow managed to resurrect The Mountain, although, maybe it’s just Ser Gregor Clegane’s body with a dwarf head attached to it. I’m not a fan of this guy’s practices, but he does seem to be pretty good at handling people’s BS.

When Tyrion and Varys walk through Volantis and stop to listen to a woman speaking, that woman is a Red Priestess. By her speech, she is one of many women who are brought to Voltantis as slaves and then bought by the Red Temple. She didn’t much like Tyrion’s mockery, so I doubt that’s the last we’ve seen of her. Plus, she was played by Rila Fukushima, who plays Tatsu (Katana) on CW’s Arrow.

I guess the easiest way to kick the habit of sexing whores is to fall in love and kill one. Tyrion might be growing a conscience. It’s too bad, though, because that’s what led to his capture by the badly-sunburnt Jorah Mormont. When Mormont captures Tyrion (after kindly waiting for him to finish pissing), he tells him that he is going to deliver Tyrion to “The Queen.” One would assume that Mormont is talking about Daenerys, but there’s the looming chance that word of Tywin’s murder has reached the Free Cities, and with it, Tyrion’s bounty. However, getting back to King’s Landing with an infamous dwarf and no means of transportation seems unlikely. Look for Jorah to head for Meereen. I’m calling it right now: Mormont versus Varys in Trial by Combat.

Hodor Hodors (Best Quotes)

“You’re as stubborn as your father, and as honorable.” – Stannis

“Cunt.” – Arya

“It’s even better luck to suck a dwarf’s cock.” – Tyrion

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

Jon Fucking Stark wins again. I don’t care whether or not Stannis signed the paperwork; Jon Snow is as much a Stark as anybody can be. He took the high road by offering the position of First Ranger to Alliser Thorne, and showed a strong backbone by FINALLY giving that asshole Janos Slynt some cold hard justice. Democracy is a bitch, huh? THERE WAS SO MUCH KARMA HERE. Come to think of it, he could have just killed Slynt and won. Slynt was commander in the King’s Guard when he betrayed Ned Stark and turned on him. He ripped a baby from his mother’s arms and murdered it, causing Tyrion to send him packing for Castle Black (another odd Tyrion-Jon connection). I’ve been waiting 3-1/2 seasons to watch this asshole die.

Jon may have denounced himself from the realm of men, but he’s a Stark, through and through. The way he told Stannis that “Winter is Coming” had me throwing imaginary popcorn at the screen. You go, Jon! Most importantly, though, Jon believes in his father’s mantra: “The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man’s life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die.” That is the most noble shit I’ve ever heard in my LIFE.

Let’s have some real talk, shall we? Last week’s “The House of Black and White” showed Daenerys messing shit up in a big way by executing one of her closest followers. It began with Dany giving an order, the follower deciding this was a poor choice, and refusing the command. The follower was brought out into public and executed, even after pleas of “mercy.” Personal feelings about the men in question aside, how did this differ from Jon Snow’s situation tonight? What makes Jon Snow’s leadership so much better than Daenerys’? Both have honor in their choices as leaders, and both made identical choices due to insubordination, but Jon Snow, as reluctant of a leader as he is, knows why he is the leader. Daenerys, the same woman that stormed the city of Meereen and nailed the slavers to posts, is now unsure of herself, and refusing to use the very strength that put her in the pyramid (which, let’s face it, is a little hypocritical). If Tyrion is ever able to talk her off that pedestal, she might remember where she came from.

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Hush Comics gives “High Sparrow” an A- for giving us years of karma in the making, and for grazing the surface of one of the new players in the game of thrones, the High Sparrows. Each story is taking a new and exciting turn that we can’t get enough of.

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones Review “The House of Black and White” S5E2

For an episode titled “The House of Black and White,” the issues brought up during the show were anything but. Jon Snow, Daenerys, Shireen, Doran, and Brienne all have very difficult decisions to make – all of which have merit on either side. The Season 5 premiere bulldozed any expectations I had for Game of Thrones and has gotten stronger thanks to this episode. We’re introduced to Dorn, even if just for a bit, and Braavos – which reminds me a lot of Assassin’s Creed‘s Italy. There was a lot to capture this episode, so let’s get to it:

Pros

Boy, I tell ya, nothing cuts quite like Valyrian steel. Seeing Brienne smash that guy’s sword before driving her own into his neck made me glad Jaime outfitted her with Oathkeeper, even if it is a lame oath to keep.

I quite enjoyed the awkwardness that the situation between Jaime and Cersei has created. If this were an after-school special, it would finally be delving into the pitfalls of incest. Jaime cannot claim his children (because of the whole bastard king thing), nor can he really just sit back and let them be threatened with the intricate Viper-necklace thingy. What’s a man with one hand to do?

Prince Doran is an interesting character. He has the moral standards of Oberyn, but the looks of Stannis. He refuses to move from his post, and whether that is a symbol of his stance on the matter or that nasty case of gout (mentioned by Tywin in S4E2, “The Lion and the Rose.”), we do not know. As much as I wanted to be on Ellaria Sand’s side, I turned to Team Doran when he said, “We do not mutilate little girls for vengeance.” Ellaria is not to be ignored, though. With the Sand Snakes on her side, I’m curious is her fury turns into a full-on rebellion against Doran.

Ser Kevan takes shit from no one. I’m sure Cersei will find a way to take her uncle’s head for giving her the business, but it was great to see the way he recognized her B/S and immediately was like, “Hell no. I got shit to do, woman. Tell the king to hit me up, because I’m outtie.” It’s nice to see somebody not named Tyrion or Margaery stand up to the Queen Mother.

Holy crap, the wait finally paid off. Fuckboy Janos Slynt talked trash to the wrong Crow, and he was not ready for the flames of retaliation. Samwell Tarley lit this dude up like Jeff Ross for talking trash about Gilly. Line crossed. Shots fired. Tell everybody what a bitch baby Slynt turned into when things got real. I don’t believe I’ve been more gratified in a moment of karmic justice since the Purple Wedding.

How terrifying was the hissing at the end of the episode, when Daenerys decides to punish Mossador by decapitating him in front of everybody? I can’t say that it was a smart plan to begin with, and several thousand furious former slaves hissing in disapproval would seem to support that opinion. I’m surprised there wasn’t more of a retaliation for what happened. Everyone has turned away from her; even Drogon isn’t loyal to her anymore. Did we mention that Dany really sucks at ruling?

“On three, everybody HUG!”

The constant subconscious discussion on what “doing the right thing” means. Each of the main character’s plights tackle some deep questions. The decision of whether or not to kill the Son of the Harpy, the opinion of the Wildling’s from Shireen’s POV (very Civil Right’s Movement), and Jon Snow’s sense of duty are all called into question during the episode – and it’s done in a very nonchalant way so you’re not forced to outwardly think about these daunting topics on your own.

Cons

The whole timing with Sansa/Littlefinger and Podrick/Brienne is just too convenient. I get that this is a fantasy show with dragons and giant blue zombies, but the story-telling with this encounter just seemed lazy. I don’t know whether or not this part was in the book, but the way they crossed paths in the show was pretty lame. And it wasn’t just the fact that they exchanged words, but how lame those exchanges were.

For one, Sansa lost whatever cool points she earned from bitch-slapping Robin Arryn. She is such a biz-natch, and certainly shows the grooming of Petyr Baelish as she shoos away Brienne. It’s understandable that Sansa would be weary of Brienne, who is covered in Lannister attire, and who insists on some batshit crazy Shadow murdering story; Sansa doesn’t know Brienne like we do. However, it’s just so easy to go back to hating Sansa.

Stannis may be the rightful king, but he doesn’t really have the power to relieve Jon of his post in the Night’s Watch. Luring him by giving him the Stark name is just mean. Being honored as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch should keep him honor-bound for a while, but it might just give him the strong head to make some dumb decisions. Judging by the way he read Lady Mormont’s note, his heart is still in the North. It would be a huge leap in logic to predict that this promotion could be his downfall.

Danny Glover in action

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

Damn, that statue must have been a pain in the ass to build. Can you imagine how much work it would have taken to hoist a statue that huge to hold on each foot of land while balancing it forward/backward with a bunch of ships in the sea? A metric fuck-ton. Actually, an imperial one since that’s the unit of measurement these guys were somehow using back then.

Calling Bronn a sell-out wouldn’t be wrong. The dude made a deal with Cersei at the end of Season 4 for a maiden and a castle to not face The Mountain in Mortal Kombat – an offer you would not have to make twice to me. Bronn’s betrothed is Lollys Stokeworth, but Jaime’s offer to sweeten the deal to give him a better lady and a better castle proves that Bronn is still a tool of the system when Lollys is promised to Ser Willas Bracken  (whoever the hell that is) instead.

I swear, I thought Davos was gonna show his hand after Stannis talks about mercy to Jon Snow. That guy is just waiting in the bushes for any excuse to show people his stumpy hand.

Hodor Hodor (Best Quotes)

In the first 15 minutes, I found a quote that I will be repeating for years to come. When Arya exclaims that she has “nowhere else to go.” The Danny Glover look-alike retorts with, “You have everywhere else to go.” Besides being a dick move, it’s a pretty witty comeback – something I will use the next time

Tyrion’s continued Fukitol attitude reaches new levels of hilarity when he exclaims that “Every pile of shit on the side of every road has someone’s banner hanging from it.” I almost feel bad for Peter Dinklage because there is no way he is as interesting as in real life as his character is.

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

A girl is a fucking BOSS. A girl has lost it all, and yet somehow still keeps going. She saw her father get executed, was almost reunited with her mother and brother right before their untimely execution, and was held “captive” by the Hound right up until his death. Nobody knows that she’s alive, and nobody has gone out of their way to search for her in years, either. Somehow, Arya’s cunning and persistence have led her to The House of Black and White, where she will become a faceless assassin guy just like Jaqen H’ghar. I actually got chills when she told the Braavos frat boy, “nothing’s worth anything to dead men.” What a badass. I feel like she’s got quite a bit to go on her journey, but it’s one I’m most excited for.

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Hush Comics gives “The House of Black and White” an A- for moving all the stories ahead in a big way, and using subtext to bring real issues up without shouting them in our ears.

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones Review “The Wars to Come” S5E1

After much waiting, Game of Thrones is back on the air! Things kind of fell apart at the end of Season 4, but that just marks new beginnings for everybody. We’re still a little sour that Hodor and Bran won’t be appearing this season, but there is plenty of new ground to cover, and advancements to be made by some lesser-known characters. If you’d like to catch up on the happenings of all the important characters, check our preview. Keep in mind that I am woefully behind on the books, so if any “no duh’s” come to mind, let us know in the comments!

Pros

Thank God for not indulging us in another brother-sister funeral rape scene. I liked the way Cersei just went through the motions during this scene, the way she responded to people while not really knowing or caring what they said. I wonder if she is more distraught about her father’s death or the crappy position it’s put the Lannister camp in.

I’m not sure who had it worse, the man who had to shit out of the airholes for a month or the man who had to pick up said shit and throw it off the boat. Tyrion and Varys make a damn good team. They could do a traveling comedy show if this Daenerys thing doesn’t work out for them.

The whole situation going on in Meereen is saying a lot without actually saying it. I have no idea if this was part of GRRM’s inspiration, but the whole thing is very American slavery to me. Dany has freed the slaves, but at the cost of enslaving her dragons. She can’t use them to make her look powerful anymore, but doing the right thing is making her vulnerable. The scare tactics that the Sons of the Harpy use are a parallel to the KKK’s methods. They’re a bunch of dicks, basically.

Robert Arryn’s sparring session is just about the most hilarious thing I’ve seen in Game of Thrones the past few seaons. And the “fights like a girl with palsy” comment just about had me busting a gut.

It must really suck to be Ser Loras. The poor guy has to spew some B/S story about how sorry he is that the evil bastard Tywin Lannister is dead… to a woman that he definitely doesn’t WANT to marry. All the while, he has to hide his homosexuality. I can’t help but agree when he says, “What’s the point of trying to keep a secret in a place like this?” There’s no way that plan will go wrong.

Cons

Self-pity really doesn’t do any favors for Tyrion. He’s always been a drinker, but the wallowing that came with it was off-putting. I did especially like the way he went back to college with the ol’ puke and rally, though.

For a while there, I was really concerned that they had Daario’d Greyworm and cast some other guy as him only to murder him minutes later. The poor guy just wanted to cuddle.

Stannis’ plan to have the Wildlings join him is just plain dumb. For a second, I thought Stannis was concerned about the whole frozen zombie thing, but I guess the whole ordeal is just to get enough of a force to take Winterfell from Roose Bolton – which I’m a big fan of, but recruiting the Wildlings seems reckless even if they did agree.

I think Daenerys thinks she is a way better ruler than she thinks she is. She kinda sucks at this…

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

Cersei’s flashback didn’t really have a place in the episode. It does reveal that she was always an entitled little shit. Not really relevant, but what kind of little girl lets a stranger lick blood from her hand? It is worth mentioning that she was betrothed to the Prince Rhaegar Targaryen (the one fan theories say ran away with Lyanna Stark instead, fueling the Lannister-Stark bad blood), and that it was predicted a younger, more beautiful women would “cast her down.” Is this a more direct reference to Margaery Tyrell’s encroachment on Tommen?

Jon Snow has some type of leadership role, training the troops. I’m curious how the relationship with Ser Alliser Throrne has been affected by the way Jon handled business in the Battle at Castle Black.

Where is Littlefinger taking Sansa? Of all the storylines in the show right now, this one makes the least sense to me. With that black hair and an alias to go off, nobody has any idea that she is Sansa Stark, so where is Petyr taking her? Judging by some of the Season 5 clips, he may be going to wherever the late Jon Arryn’s camp is.

What is Margaery’s angle? As manipulative as her and her grandmother are, I can’t help but at least hope she’s a good guy. At the end of the day, she knows how to shape a ruler into a good king – even if her last two kings were gay and a psychopath, respectively. I think she’s gonna beat Cersei by just having good game. On the other hand, Cersei is terrifying, and I would bet more vicious than Margaery is cunning. I don’t see it ending well for either of them.

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

Jon Snow is his father’s son. He may be bound by the Night’s Watch never to reclaim Winterfell, but he sure as hell would be great at ruling it. Once naive to the Wildlings, judging them based on stories and reputation, Jon defended them several times in this episode, exclaiming that they were simply born on the wrong side of the war. He respects Mance Rayder and finally gets his plight. Finally, there’s the way he mercy-killed Mance before letting the flames do the job. It wasn’t just to give him a non-agonizing death, but to let the Wildling leader keep his pride in front of his men.

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Hush Comics gives “The Wars to Come” a B+ for starting things out right! We’re able to comfortably slide back in to each story, and are given plenty of new, shiny things to look forward to for the rest of the season.

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones: Catching Up for the Season 5 Premiere

Okay, GoT fans would be kidding themselves if we pretended like Westeros isn’t one of the most confusing places in all of Nerdom. Even the most devoted fans may be finding themselves in need of a super-binge refreshin’ session before the season five premiere on Sunday. But if you are anything like me, you don’t exactly have 10 hours available this weekend to devote to the Season 4 Blu-Ray. Don’t despair, if you find yourself in need of a little catch up here is Hush Comics quick and easy recap of where we left off:

Dead People

Joffrey

Okay, first thing’s first. Do you remember that little dick, King Joffrey? And do you remember that he’s DEAD? People are still celebrating in the streets over that one. He was poisoned by Littlefinger’s doing, but it was his Uncle Tyrion Lannister that took the blame.

Tywin Lannister

That dude is dead. Shot right through the bowels while using the privy. Whether or not he shit gold is up for debate, but Tywin is no more. He may have lived on as a vampire in Dracula Untold, but his time on GoT is over.

Oberyn Martell

Although he puts up a good fight and mortally wounds Gregor Clegane, he is eventually killed off in one of the most fucked up ways by having his teeth knocked out, his eyes gauged out and then his skull crushed. I shudder simply recalling that episode.

Shae

Damn, I feel worse for Tyrion’s feelings than I do for this wench dying. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn. I know Shae got done dirty by Tyrion by the way he parted ways with her, but she went a little too far with the way she repaid him. And then to get caught in Tywin’s bed chamber? That’s just cold. Rest in peace, floozy.

Jojen Reed

This warger met his end trying to bring Bran to the three-eyed raven. He was a sweet guy and it was sad to see him go, but he really wasn’t about that life. He was weak, and there’s no room for weakness beyond the wall. Still, it would’ve been nice to see him last a little longer, rather than being stabbed by an animated skeleton.

Pypar & Grenn

Their deaths marked the end of Jon Snow’s innocence. It happened during such an epic episode that I didn’t really feel it, but going back and watching previous seasons really sent the feels rushing in. They were Jon’s buddies and it was sad to see them go – Pyp to an arrow from Ygritte and Grenn to a storming giant. Both will be missed.

Lysa Arryn

This lady had to go. She was bat-shit crazy. After admitting to murdering her late husband, former Hand of the King Jon Arryn, Petyr broke her heart right before knocking her out the moon door. In the game of “who created all this batshit crazy chaos,” she is definitely a runner-up.

Team Lannister

Cersei

Cersei is in full momma bear mode after losing her first born. Tommen is a chance to start over, a clean slate and a son that isn’t a sociopath, but Margaery is swooping in like a seagull stealing a crab sandwich to steal Tommen’s influence. Cersei should be partially relieved by Tywin’s passing, as she no longer has to worry about being married off to Ser Loras, nor does she have to worry about having to reveal her incestuous secret to the world. At the end of the day, I still hate her – and you should, too.

Jaime

After kind of having some revelation about what a dick he is, you almost forget that this entire mythology started because he decided to fuck his sister while on vacation. If he could keep it in his pants and out of the gene pool for two days, the chain reaction wouldn’t have happened. Anyway, he charged Brienne with protecting Sansa and risked it all to help Tyrion escape, so there is some redemption. However, he still wants to bang his twin sister and may have regretted his decision to rescue his brother when he finds out it was at the cost of his Head of House.

The Mountain

Ser Gregor Clegane may have gotten the upper hand against Oberyn in battle, but Oberyn’s use of poison let to a nasty infection that seemed to have put The Mountain down for good. His blood was all coagulated and black and disgusting (like after a snake bite! Ha! Oberyn gets the last laugh). After being medically dead, Cersei okays giving his body over to Qyburn, the Westeros equivalent of a mad scientist. He’ll probably end up as some mindless Frankenstein’s monster.

Team Tully

Edmure Tully

Last we saw of this character, he was getting married to Roslin Frey. This wedding had the WORST after party I’ve ever seen. Was he assassinated along with the rest of his family? Was he kept alive and demanded to swear his loyalty to Walder Frey? Many questions, with few answers.

Brynden Tully

WHERE ARE YOU? This is one of the few things we can say about The Blackfish. Last we saw of this character, he left Edmure’s wedding to go take a pee outside. He was not present for what had occurred after the ceremony. This leads us to believe he had escaped. Currently his whereabouts are unknown; however, it would be pretty neat to see him make a return for the fifth season.

Team Martell

Mycella

We haven’t seen her in seasons, but she’s the “leverage” the Martells have used against the Lannisters, sent as a peace offering between the houses by Tyrion in his stead as Hand of the King. From what Oberyn was saying, the Dornish people are kind, and will not be looking for retaliation on her specifically for Oberyn’s death. Expect to see a lot of her in Season 5.

Ellaria Sand

After seeing her babies’ daddy murdered in front of her in the grossest way possible, I’m going to assume that her stay at King’s Landing has come to an end. She is mother to the Sand Snakes – the three bastard daughters of Oberyn Martell – who will undoubtedly be looking to get revenge. I’m curious on whether Ellaria’s position is the same, or whether she will be speaking out against retribution. Oberyn’s involvement was voluntary, but The Mountain’s admission to past crimes will make for interesting dinner conversation.

Doran Martell

Oberyn has an older, less sexually-active brother. His son is betrothed to Myrcella Baratheon, and he is confined to a wheelchair due to gout – so he’s kind of a bitch. We’ll see what happens this season after the news that The Mountain has murdered two of his siblings now.

The North

Sansa & Littlefinger

Sansa escaped King’s Landing with Dontos Hollard after the chaos of the Purple Wedding, which was extremely lucky considering she unknowingly played a part in douche King Joffrey’s death with the poison in her necklace. Dontos leads Sansa to a ship, which is captained by Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, who then kills Dontos. The two travel all the way to the Eyrie to see her aunt Lysa Arryn. Lysa quickly goes kind of nuts and tries to kill Sansa in a fit of jealousy after seeing Petyr kiss her. Instead, Petyr pushes Lysa through the moon door and kills her. After a quick trial, a totally goth-ed out for some reason Sansa joins Petyr and Robin on a tour of the Vale.

Raisin Bran and Hodor

Last time we saw this dynamic duo, Bran was chasing his vision of the one eyed raven beyond the wall and into the North. Despite Hodor’s valiant speech against this action, Bran hopped on Hodor’s back and said mush. Finally reaching the Heart Tree from Bran’s vision the gang fell under attack by an army of skeletons. Luckily the crew was saved by a child of the forest with her magical powers. Once inside the Heart Tree, they saw no one eyed raven, but rather an old man who had been waiting for them to arrive. So what’s going to happen next? Welp, at least for this season it doesn’t matter. News broke long ago of how these two would not be appearing in the next season. If this is news to you, allow yourselves to weep ever so gently until the new season starts, for we have an Iron Throne to chase.

Roose & Ramsay Bolton

After formerly being given a proper last name, Ramsay is a dog off his leash. Roose not a good guy (I guess?). He fought in the name of Robb Stark before betraying him (with Walder Fray’s help). I mean, the guy has a flayed man as his banner, so you get the feeling that he’s generally not a nice guy. After legitimizing Ramsay, the Boltons move into Winterfell, assuming the role of warden of the North. I can’t help but feel that Ramsay is a badass, but he’s pretty unstable.

The Artist Formerly Known as Theon

Theon is no more – only Reek remains. This dickless wonder has completely lost all sense of being, and is shackled psychologically to Ramsay. He can’t even pretend to be Theon anymore. Alfie Allen is doing a phenomenal job at acting the part, and with the Boltons being as manipulative as they have been, I hope we can see more of Reek and how his role progresses. I just know that it sucks being Theon.

Rickon & Osha

I have no idea where they are or what they are up to. Bran and Hodor left them behind to go look for the three-eyed raven, and they have been out of sight, out of mind ever since. Rickon could make some comeback if Bran were to die, but my guess is that he will fade into oblivion. It would be nice to see Tonks from Harry Potter again, though.

The Super North (The Wall & Beyond)

The guy who knows nothing

Jon Snow lost his wildling lover Ygritte in at battle at The Wall. He successfully defended the Night Watch, although many Wildlings perished. Mance Rayder felt thoroughly betrayed by Jon, and just as their peace making session was about to go awry, Stannis Baratheon and Davos Seaworth showed up and killed basically all the Wildlings. Jon convinced them to take Mance prisoner instead of killing him out of respect for Ned Stark. At the mass wildling body burning Jon got the evil eye from The Red Woman, and then with a broken heart he brought Ygritte’s body to the woods and gave her a proper burial.

Samwell Tarly & Gilly

It’s all love and war in Sam’s life at the moment. I’m just going to say it, Sam’s life sucks. He is fighting a war he never wanted, he had to watch his friend Pyp die in his arms, and he is taking care of a baby that isn’t even his. Toward the end of the battle, Sam returns to where Gilly was hiding to make sure she and the baby were safe. Once again, Sam’s life sucks.

Stannis Baratheon, Melisandre & Davos

Thank God, somebody finally give two shits about the frozen ice zombies. Stannis is not a popular man, but he is flying the banner of righteousness. At least somebody cares about the fate of the seven kingdoms. They now have an army with them – supplied by the coin from the Iron Bank of Bravos. After taking advisement from Jon Snow and Mance Rayder, it will be interesting to see how Stannis takes up arms against Winter.

Mance Rayder

Just in one of the tensest moments of the season where Mance Rayder stands with Jon Snow in intense negotiations, Stannis shows up to put the entire moment on ice. However, this is just the beginning for Mance for he was taken prisoner by Stannis Boratheon along with his fellow wildlings. In season 5, I highly doubt Mance will accept this, and I smell a rebellion in the future. 

Team Tyrell

Margaery Tyrell

Last time we viewed this vixen she was flashing some leg towards the new king Tommen in hope of becoming the new queen. Margaery desperately wants to become queen and it seems as though little will stop her in her quest. By seducing Tommen, Margaery is setting herself to gain the new title. Within this next season, I predict we will see such as union between Margaery and Tommen. A union to make all the men say, “Man, why can’t I be Tommen.” As far as the impact of this marriage, I do not know; yet, I believe it will mean more than we see.

Ser Loras Tyrell

Ser Loras is currently caught in the middle of a nasty and gross love triangle between himself, Cersei and Jamie. The only problem is Jamie and Cersei are the only ones who love each other. With the pending threat of Tywin to marry Cersei to Loras, no one seems to be happy about this. Poor Ser Loras. Remember how way back in the day, Loras beat The Mountain in a joust, well, no one cares anymore I guess.

Team Greyjoy

Yara & Balon Greyjoy

After a valiant rescue attempt to rescue her brother went awry, Yara returns home, claiming that her brother is dead. The Greyjoys are typically cowards, but Yara has enough balls for the lot of them. Balon is faced with the prospect of a dickless son who is unable to continue the family line, and a daughter who is a better leader than he is.

Team Dany

Daenerys Targaryen

Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, The First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of Andals, and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons is doing her best to add additional titles to her name. Last we saw of our Khaleesi, she was sadly locking her dragons away in the catacombs due to the harm Drogon has been introducing to the citizens of Meereen. There is only one problem though; THE WRONG DRAGONS HAVE BEEN LOCKED AWAY. Drogon is the single dragon causing all the problems; however, he is nowhere to be found. Yet in season 5, Daenerys appears to a major plot point in the show. We may experience more Daenaerys this season compared to others. Perhaps she is finally ready to make her move for true power.

Missandei & Greyworm

Grey Worm love Missandei. It’s crazy to see the sexual tension between these two and it makes me wish I could lend Grey Worm my penis for at least one night. I’m excited to see this power couple make moves with Daenerys in the upcoming season.

The Dragons

After crisping up somebody’s daughter, Dany decides to chain up Rhaegal and Viserion… even though it was Drogon that is causing all the havoc. He’s going to return this season, and it’s going to be pant-shittingly terrifying. He’s HUGE now, which makes me wonder just how big the other two are, and whether or not they are even Team Dany anymore.

The Cripples, Bastards & Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

Tyrion

When it came time for Tyrion’s trial by combat Prince Oberyn Martell (the Red Viper) volunteered to champion for him, wanting to take advantage of the man who raped and killed his sister Elia, who happens to be Tyrion’s opponent. All the horror of that battle aside, the Red Viper’s death ultimately means that Tyrion’s fate was sealed and he was sentenced to death. He managed to escape prison with the help of Jaime and Varys, and discovered Shae in his father’s bed. After strangling her, he finds his father, Tywin Lannister, and shoots him in the stomach and then heart with a crossbow after a tearful confrontation. But that guy was a total dick, so I don’t think he’ll be missed. Varys, upon realizing that the king has fallen, decides to board the ship with Tyrion and leave his life at Westeros behind him.

Arya Stark

Arya was on a ship headed to Braavos when we last saw her. She is no longer accompanied by Sandor (The Hound) as she left him for dead at the bottom of a small cliff after he lost his fight with Brienne of Tarth. Brienne and Podrick Payne fought Sandor because they thought they were entitled to keep Arya instead of him. The Hound’s status is unknown because we didn’t see him die, so there is a chance he will show back up.

Gendry

The late King Robert’s bastard narrowly escaped murder at the hands of a deluded Stannis Baratheon at Dragonstone, and is on the run… somewhere. There’s no way his journey is over, but it might be a while until something useful comes to fruition.

Jorah Mormont

Looks like General Friend-Zone is out on his own now. Due to Daenerys finally knowing Jorah was originally sent as a spy for Varys, she banishes him from Meereen forever. It was Barristan who received the letter of Jorah’s pardon and proceeded to pass the note on to Daenerys. It will be very interesting to see where Jorah ends up in season 5. Regardless, I fail to believe his story is over.

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Game of Thrones returns for Season 5 TODAY, April 12th, on HBO.

All images belong to HBO. Article written by Evan Lowe, Keriann McCauliffe and Sherif Elkhatib