Game of Thrones Review “The Dance of Dragons” S5E9

I never thought I’d see the day that I would prefer seeing Jaime and Cersei Lannister make sex in front of their dead son… but it has come nevertheless.

Pros

Ramsay delivers: Although it was kind of a bummer we didn’t get to see it planned, Ramsay’s sack of Stannis’ camp was swift and brutal, just as you’d expect from Ramsay. The kid has balls. Now that everybody hates Stannis, I don’t care who wins the brutal fighting between he and the Boltons, as long as we get to see more cool stuff like this.

Alliser’s subordination: With Aemon gone, Alliser Thorne could easily lead a mutiny against Commander Jon Snow. Snow’s heart, specifically his admiration and respect for the Wildling leaders, could end up screwing them all in the end. You can almost see the hatred in his eyes as he tells his underlings to open the gates. But he did it. He didn’t leave them all to die down there. It takes a real sense of duty not to take advantage of that opportunity.

Arya is not about that life: Maybe she wants to be a faceless assassin because it’s cool? Or because there is no Playstation to keep her busy? Either way, we know now that she is not anywhere near ready to become Nobody. All it took was for her to see Meryn Trant and her Assassin’s Creed quest was put on hold. Her hit list has been pretty much narrowed down to him and Cersei, so I suspect she’s gonna have fun torturing Trant if Jaqen H’ghar can’t put a cork in it.

What did the five fingers say to the face: Suhhh-LAP! One of my favorite moments in the episode was when the Sand Snakes were playing the slapping game in their cell. Tyene is losing badly to her older sister, Nymeria (who I just realized shares a name with Arya’s estranged direwolf), but smooth-talks her way into winning. And when it’s Tyene’s turn? IMP SLAP! This was perhaps the only feel-good moment in the entire episode.

Court of Harpies: Things are NOT alright in Meereen. Looks like the short-lived days of political banter with Dany and Tyrion are over. I would say that the chilling image of the camera panning the full crowd of Harpies is on the same level as when the dead were raised at the end of “Hardhome.” This show’s use of silence is exquisitely-timed. The chaos that ensued was a completely one-sided battle, an under-handed approach from the cowardly Sons of the Harpy. We also got to see Tyrion show off those legendary fighting skills and save Missandei. He’s just killing it this season. Drogon showing up was also magnificent.

Cons

It must suck to be Davos: For a smuggler, this guy has more loyalty than anybody else on the show not named Jorah. He’s following Stannis into a deep, dark hole – which at this point might just be his own ass. He’s sent off to Castle Black to get more men and supplies, where he’s likely to be told to piss off after Jon Snow brought home a horde of Wildlings. He has to say goodbye to Shireen in the most horrible way. What’s stopping him from just hanging out at Castle Black and fighting zombies? Sounds better than being Stannis’ right-hand man.

Ellaria is a giant wet blanket: I’m tired of this lady’s shit. Who is inviting her? She can’t keep her stupid mouth shut for 10 seconds without cutting people down. There’s no way this is the same person who Oberyn was in love with… Man, I miss that guy. On the flip side, I think Doran is an incredibly cunning and strategic ruler. I hope that we get to see more of him soon. I find it hard to believe Game of Thrones‘ time in Dorne is so short-lived, but you never know.

Let’s talk about distastefulness: It’s not like Meryn Trant was a difficult guy to hate already, but now we can add pedophilia to his list of disgusting habits. The only good part about this is that it will likely end with Meryn getting his balls chopped off if Arya can manage it. That, I’d be okay with. And Stannis? Fuck Stannis. I can’t really describe how shitty this made me feel. Stannis’ cold act made him easily the most hated character on the show. Worse than Ramsay, worse than Meryn, 100x worse than Cersei. I don’t understand how we could get such a rare, loving moment out of Stannis early on, and then this happens. I feel gross for even having watched that. Is Stannis becoming The Mad King 2.0? Whatever it was, this episode showed a lot of things that just disgusted me.

Get those Unsullied some Redshirts: The man who sold the Unsullied to Daenerys could have made a killing as a used car salesmen, because it seems like Dany got a straight-up lemon out of this deal. These guys suck at fighting. Trained from childhood to not feel pain, my ass. Were they actually trained how to fight?

Atreyu!!: Drogon showing up and roasting the Harpies was great, but The poor CGI used to show her riding Drogon was so distracting. It almost ruined the moment for me, and looked much more like Atreyu riding Falcor in The Never Ending Story than a Khaleesi riding her dragon. It seemed like all of this happened while Harpies were sporadically tossing javelins at Drogon. And what the hell happens with the rest of her people? She just left them in the arena.

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

“The Dance of Dragons”: This story, often referred to in this episode is about a Targaryen civil war between Aegon II and his half-sister, Rhaenyra. This war killed off many of the world’s remaining dragons, ending with Aegon II feeding Rhaenyra to his dragon while her son watched on. He died a few months later due to his injuries. It’s a bit reminiscent of Stannis’ decision to murder Renly, and is a fitting story to tell about what happens when Stannis chases his dumbass destiny.

Mace Tyrell is a tool: God, rich people with money have no damn shame. He is such a bumbling idiot, singing and bribing an laughing at his own shitty jokes.

Jaime’s Hulk hand: I couldn’t help but notice how ridiculously large and gaudy Jaime’s fake hand is. There’s a new cosplay idea for next year’s Denver Comic Con – take a Hulk hand and paint it gold.

Harpy man: You ain’t foolin NOONE, Hizdahr. Dany’s fake husband has got to be some underground leader of the Sons of the Harpy. The guy shows up late, giving that shitty smug smile the entire time. Then he just so happens to be the first one down with a knife wound… I’ve seen Scream. I know how this works.

The fighting pit: Let’s talk about this big guy’s Final Fantasy sword. It’s awesome. Oh, and that wrap-around dragon necklace Dany is rockin? It’s also awesome. Moving along, I personally loved the conversation between Daario and Hizdahr. Those guys hate each other, but their banter is always entertaining. Most frightening to me is how clever Hizdahr is when he speaks to Dany. Even Tyrion deflects the conversation when he has nothing to retort with, and that is scary to think about. Tyrion sees right through his fancy pants B.S., but he doesn’t quite know how to put him in his place yet – or at least that’s how it seems.

Greyscale: I don’t really understand how it works, but doesn’t Jorah touching her bare hand mean that she’s in risk of getting it?

Hodor Hodors (Best Quotes)

“You didn’t fail him. Or him. Or her. Every one of them is alive because of you, and noone else.” – Samwell Tarly

“The Tyrells can all rot in hell. Treasonous cunts.” – Meryn Trant on his thoughts about the Tyrells.

“There’s always been more than enough death in the world for my taste. I can do without it in my leisure time.” – Tyrion, right before there’s a bunch of death in his leisure time

“In my experience, eloquent men are right every bit as often as imbeciles.” – Tyrion Lannister

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

I really don’t know. Sansa wasn’t getting raped and beaten for a night, so she’s probably the closest thing to a winner this episode as anybody. Pretty much anybody who wasn’t in this episode walked away “winning.” Littlefinger is likely doing well after the creeper kiss with Sansa. Even little bitch-boy Robin Arryn probably had a better time than these poor saps.

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Hush Comics gives “The Dance of Dragons” an C+ because even though it had some of the show’s most distasteful scenes, there was a lot to think about after it was over – like what the hell is going to happen to Tyrion, Jorah, Daario and Missandei…

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones Review “Hardhome” S5E8

Don’t you hate when your friends come into your life and start trivializing your problems with their “real issues?” Well, that is exactly how this episode left me feeling. Who cares about your stupid battles over the crown?? There are MFing ice zombies on the other side of the wall, raising an army of the dead and giving Jon Snow “Come at me” face. All of a sudden, I find myself horrified thinking about Westeros’ future. Everybody is SO SCREWED! Sorry… where was I? Oh yes, this episode of Game of Thrones is one of the best of the entire series, but for much of “Hardhome,” I never quite felt like it was a Game of Thrones show. There are political musings, and talks of war going on in Winterfell; mostly, though, there are new and terrifying twists to a tale that there is no going back from. This is the beginning of the end times, folks.

Pros

Power couple: In ten minutes, Tyrion dropped more knowledge on Daenerys than anybody else has since this saga began. It’s true that she’s created her own little dynasty in Meereen, but she quite doesn’t know how to play the game. Tyrion brings a perspective to her side of the story that just hasn’t been there. Tyrion is neither afraid nor ashamed to open himself up like a book for Dany, and it’s not surprising that she took him in immediately. I could listen to them have Mind Sex all episode long, to be honest.

Karma is a Cersei: Seeing Cersei suffer in a sell and drink spilled water off the dungeon room floor was the single most gratifying moment of this season. Unlike Joffrey, where everybody was awaiting a horrific unnatural death, fans just  want to see Cersei put in her place. It’s kinda like Mean Girls: you didn’t want to see her get hit by a bus, but a healthy dose of humility and shame would do a body good. Can I get bonus points for a Mean Girls reference in Game of Thrones?

Nothing is true; everything is permitted: Okay, there is some straight Assassin’s Creed shit going on right here in Arya’s storyline. Her time training at the House of Black and White have led her on essentially the path of Ezio Auditore: learn some stuff, kill a guy. Now the promotions for Season 5 featuring Arya make more sense. There’s something deeper here going on; it’s becoming apparent that Jaqen H’ghar doesn’t give a damn about Arya as a person anymore with his mysterious “let the gods decide” spiel.

Strategy session with the Boltons: One thing that everybody seems to forget is that Ramsay is actually a very fierce warrior. Let’s not forget that he fought off a bunch of Greyhoy intruders in nothing but his pajama pants. Roose’s strategy of waiting out the intruders was that of a seasoned veteran, but it was just too much weak sauce for Ramsay, who would rather “send a message” in some cockamamie scheme that involves 20 men. There are two possible outcomes: it works and we get to see the gory success of his mission, or it doesn’t and we get to laugh at Ramsay as his plans fail and his father abandons him. Either way, we win.

The last 15 minutes: Balls to the wall, poop your pants excitement! For everybody who has been asking, “Where the hell are the ice zombies? Why doesn’t anybody care about the zombies??” Well, here is your goddamn answer. The segment focusing on Jon Snow’s expedition was every bit the cinematic masterpiece that one would expect. I haven’t seen much amazing directorial work since the siege at Castle Black at the end of Season 4. We knew that Jon was probably save in this battle, but had no idea who else would kick the bucket. One thing is for sure – this show has hit a point of no return with the White Walkers, and until we know what the hell is going on, that’s all viewers will be thinking about going forward.

Cons

Reek’s dick don’t work: I know Theon’s dick is gone, but where is his spine? He’s willing to spill the beans about Bran and Rickon, but still is afraid to do anything outwardly helpful. You can’t help but feel pity for the guy, but he does kinda deserve it all.

Jorah is a dummy: This guy is the Steve Urkel of Game of Thrones. He just won’t give up. His attempts to woo the queen are totally fruitless. Now, instead of being in a whorehouse in Volantis, he has sold himself back into slavery with a medium-severe case of Greyscale all to gain back her affection for a “sport” that she doesn’t give two shit about. Idiot…

Get OVER it, Olly: Dude, we get it. You have trust issues. The ugly Thenn (which regular Wildlings aren’t too fond of either) ate your dead momma and dead poppa. How long are you going to keep whining about that? If you’re gonna be a little bitch about it, at least do something productive like become Batman.

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

Cersei is losing friends: Blinded by vengeance (if you can even call it that…), Cersei has put a religious fanatic in control of the Kingdom and cast all her loyal allies aside. Even old man Pycelle – who was a creep, don’t get me wrong – has sought out the help of Ser Kevan Lannister, Tywin’s brother, to come back to King’s Landing and serve as Hand. They might just let her rot after all.

The Work Continues: Qyburn’s last words before leaving the dungeon had a hint of familiarity about them. We’ve seen his “ungodly” experiments in his lab, which resulted in some twitching by what was once The Mountain’s body. Could this be the work he spoke of? And does Gregor Clegane now have a midget head? Or maybe an extra midget head protruding from his body somewhere? Nothing would surprise me at this point, but I could see the family tradition of a trial by combat being requested by Cersei, should it come to that.

Knowledge is power, unless you’re Sansa: A huge secret was let out by Reek this week. He was guilted into telling Sansa that the two boys he killed were not Bran and Rickon Stark. There are in fact TWO living men (eventually, I’m sure) with the Stark family name, which puts a HUGE damper in the Bolton quest for unity in the North. Now, Sansa has this powerful weapon. Will she try to fly a raven to the rest of the North to let the other families know, or will she simply waste it on a spiteful conversation with her new husband? Chances are she will spill the beans, but I’m secretly rooting for her to make something of the situation and out-maneuver the Boltons.

My heart will go on: There was something VERY Titanic about the end scene. Ya know, if the Titanic were overrun by the undead. Even before the battle broke out, the teary-eyed longing goodbyes to the little ones foreshadowed major casualties. All the show was missing was the band that stayed and played to the end, or a dreamy Celine Dion music video.

4 horsemen: Very ominous sequence there with the four ice walkers on the horizon, symbolic of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Everything is scarier when there are four horsemen overlooking the death and chaos; it lets people know just how screwed they are.

Shit gets Valyrian: So it turns out that Dragonglass isn’t the only thing that kills White Walkers. Jon Snow ties the world record for most White Walkers slayed (with 1 kill) by using his sword, Longclaw – made from Valyrian steel. Only thing is, guys… there is no more Valyrian steel left. Aside from the blades given to Brienne and Jaime (melted down from Ned Stark’s Ice), Jon possesses one of the last blades made from the metal. But guess what Valyrian steel is forged in?? Fucking Dragonfire!! And guess who has dragons??? It’s likely that the death and destruction will reach Westeros before Jon can get word to the Khaleesi about it, but maybe Daenerys can make her way to the throne by killing the ice zombies with her dragons. I’ve supported candidates for less, so doing that would probably earn my vote.

Hodor Hodors (Best Quotes)

“I am the greatest Lannister-killer of our time.” – Tyrion Lannister

“If I want jokes, I’ll get myself a proper fool.” – Daenerys Targaryen

“I’m going to break the wheel.” – Daenerys Targaryen

“I’m not the one that got punched and kicked in the face.” – Gilly

“So would mine, but fuck em, they’re dead.” – Wildling lady

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

You can’t argue with the sentiment that the undead are winning the game of thrones, but let’s crown somebody in the land of the living, shall we? Tyrion is undoubtedly the smartest man in whichever room he’s in, and it just happens that he has won the trust – or at least amusement – of Daenerys Targaryen. Tyrion knows his way around a room, politically, and is not intimidated at the prospect of being killed; therefore, he is an open book with Khaleesi, and an excellent sounding board for what she has built up in her head as the correct way to rule. Maybe Tyrion will get to ride that dragon after all. Eww, not like that.

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Hush Comics gives “Hardhome” an A+ for giving fans something to be truly frightened for – a departure from its well-known politics, violence and boobagry and an entrance into the fantastical, unknown, and… ice zombies.

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones Review “The Gift” S5E7

Sh!t has gotten real on Game of Thrones! For the first time in quite a while, the episode ends without an impromptu cliffhanger, but there are still so many unanswered questions. Tyrion has finally met the Queen of Meereen, Jorah is back in the company of his Khaleesi, Jon Snow has left Castle Black in the hands of his biggest rival, and Cersei’s secret weapon has backfired on her, horribly. Oh, and quite possibly one of the sexiest scenes in the series took place when Bronn flirts with Tyene Sand, and Death itself. “The Gift” is a great episode on its own, and sets up the series for the kind of progression that there will be no looking back from.

Pros

Chain of command: The hierarchy of the Night’s Watch is getting more and more complex as the show goes on. Jon Snow has all the respect he deserves as Lord Commander – at least, to his face. Ser Alliser Thorne is a capable First Ranger, but let’s not forget that the camp is full of his supporters, and with him gone, and with Maester Aemon now gone, there is really nobody left on Team Snow aside from Sam. We see his mettle tested when the two Crows try to forcibly take Gilly, and that’s just day one. The Night’s Watch is full of traitors, murderers and rapers rapists, so if Jon Snow ever returns, he could be coming back to a very hostile environment.

Sansa spits venom: Sansa surprised everybody with her verbal jabs this week. She spent the beginning of the episode curled up in the fetal position frightened and badly battered, reminding us of the horrible end scene to “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken.” With how meek her character was, I did not expect her to use such venom in her words when she spoke to Ramsay, calling him a bastard to his face and filling him with doubt about his place as heir to Winterfell. Sansa clearly learned a thing or two from Littlefinger: “Even the most dangerous man can be out-maneuvered.”

Iwan Rheon: He’s undoubtedly the most hated character on the show – I’d venture to say I hate him more than I ever did Joffrey, but Joff has been dead a whole season, so maybe time has healed wounds – but there is no denying that Ramsay Bolton is a charismatic character. He flashes his smile, and says something clever, and you almost forget that his two biggest hobbies are: hunting down ex-girlfriends and flaying people alive. I got to give it up to the acting chops of Rheon. Ramsay is so horrible, yet I want more and more screen time with him just so I can watch him fall – where as Joffrey, I just wanted that little bastard to die.

Cersei’s depth: Another character that’s easy to hate is Cersei (it’s SO easy a caveman could do it), but for completely different reasons. She has her father’s ambitions, but none of the diplomatic sense that came with it. Through all her hatred, nothing will change that she is a mother who is willing to do whatever is necessary to protect her children. This leads to a quite unexpectedly touching moment where she tells Tommen what she is willing to do to keep him safe; it almost endears viewers to her. Well, that is, until she taunts Margaery about being in the dungeon. Karma is a Cersei, I guess.

You. Don’t. Know. Me.: Myrcella brings up a very good point to Jaime as they speak. Jaime has traveled half-way around the world to “rescue” his niece/daughter from Dorne, but never really thought about how she would feel about it. It was all just some idealistic excursion meant to impress Cersei (which is ironic in the sense that staying there meant he would have convinced her not to give power to a group of religious fanatics). Dorne has been so good to Myrcella, and she is betrothed to the Prince. Of course, it doesn’t change the fact that she is in legitimate danger from Ellaria Martel. Hopefully, Jaime and Doran get to talk about that before things get blown out of proportions, but with the way the show loves chaos, probably not.

Team Littlefinger/Olenna: The two biggest schemers in Westeros met at Baelish’s broken whorehouse to run games one more time. Together, they orchestrated the Purple Wedding. Killing a boy king is one thing, but they have a whole new set of problems that I’m not sure they realize yet. The Sparrows play by a set of rules they are unfamiliar with, and Littlefinger’s plans to plan all sides is going to fail quickly if he is outed. Olenna, likewise, will have no power is House Tyrell is to lose their fortune. As intelligent and diabolical as this tag team is, they are not used to playing defense.

Cons

Something Reeks: I smell a rat, and it’s in the form of the dickless Theon Greyjoy. Reek is weak, we know that, but there was some real hope for redemption in this episode. All he had to do was go to the stupid Broken Tower, put a candle in the window, and go on about his meaningless existence. The way he interacts with Sansa, there’s a very “I owe you” tone about the way he talks to her, and it still might happen later on down the line, but Brienne is freezing her tits off in the cold and now an innocent old woman has been tortured and killed due to Reek’s cowardice. Just add it to the body count, I suppose.

Dany – awful leader, even worse spouse: Good job on opening up the fighting pits, Daenerys, but not every negotiation is satisfied with a half-assed commitment on paper and a public appearance. She’s still boning Daario Naharis after she offered herself in marriage to Hizdahr. Dany is convinced that the marriage is purely to keep up appearances. You think the same people who slaughtered slaves in the name of tradition are just gonna let adultery slide? If she keeps this up, she’s gonna have a big ass A branded on her forehead.

Tommen is bad at his job: It pains me to say it, but… I miss Tywin. Yeah he was an awful father to Tyrion, but he knew how to rule a kingdom, and Tommen was his second chance to wipe the slate clean of Joffrey. Tommen is kind and malleable, but he’s just a stupid little kid who needs guidance. In the end, it’s not his fault he sucks at being king, but the blame still falls on him, because age is not an excuse for weakness in these dire times.

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

You are not alone: It’s been a while since anybody from the Stark family has been mentioned to Sansa. Her and Jon were never close, but hearing his name took her aback. I couldn’t see Sansa being enough motivation to have Jon come to Winterfell, but I could see Jon being enough motivation to see Sansa escape Winterfell for the Wall.

Gily givin up the goods: Sam’s first time!! This is the proudest moment I’ve felt on the show in a long time. Sam has killed the boy, and let the man live. He got the crap kicked out of him, and then he got laid for it. I hope Jon told him about pulling out, because a pregnant Gilly would mean bad, bad things for both of them.

Our little slave auction: The irony of black slave merchants sell white slaves was not lost on me. I was, however, confused at how the guy who supposedly killed Khal Drogo in hand-to-hand combat only fetched 20 gold coins. The whole ordeal was pretty awkward, especially when Tyrion tried to convince everybody that he was a prized fighter and that he and Jorah were a team. All I could think about was Jorah wielding Tyrion like a giant club and swinging him at other people.

Singing chops: After hearing Bronn finish the “Dornishman’s Wife” song he started last week, I had to look up and see if he was a singer. Turns out that the actor who plays Bronn, Jerome Flynn, used to be part of a two-man boy band called Robson & Jerome. It’s quite hilarious, but the music is pretty good, too. On top of that, Iwan Rheon, the guy who plays Ramsay Bolton, was making music under his real name up until he started on GoT. It’s all quite unexpected, and before this show ends for good, I’m expecting an All-Star compilation album, or a Buffy “Once More With Feeling”-type musical episode. Make it happen!

Credit: YouTube

 

“Sister”: Cersei makes one last mockery of Margaery before leaving her in the dungeon. She calls Margaery “sister,” a name that she threatened to kill Margaery over if she ever referred to Cersei as. It’s all to taunt Margaery, I’m sure, but there could be a bit of subconscious denial there to dispute what the mage Maggy said to her as a young girl. Calling Margaery sister refutes the idea that a younger, more beautiful woman would replace her in power.

Hodor Hodors (Best Quotes)

“He was the blood of the Dragon, but now his fire has gone out.” – Samwell Tarly on Aemon Targaryen

“All rulers are either butchers or meat.” – Daario

“What will we find when we strip away your finery?” – High Sparrow

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

The High Sparrow is no dummy, and he is able to out-maneuver both Cersei and Olenna, two of the most cunning characters in the show. He is not motivated by the same things that these ladies are accustomed to manipulating men with. Not Olenna’s money nor Cersei’s sex appeal will bend him. Forget playing the by the same rules, this guy isn’t even playing the same game. He threatens Olenna on some straight up Occupy Wall Street shit, and used Cersei’s own blind ambition to persecute Margaery to build up the power to charge the Queen Regent.

While this is sure to throw the entire kingdom into chaos and warfare again, it’s really hard to argue with the logic. King’s Landing is a place of filth and corruption, so a major overhaul doesn’t actually sound that bad. The High Sparrow might look like a crazy old man, but his sense of timing in bringing Lancel forward reinforces that he is a sly and calculating man.

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Hush Comics gives “The Gift” an A for becoming the launching point for chaos and rebirth. Daenerys and the High Sparrow both want to metaphorically (less so in Dany’s case) burn the world to the ground and start anew.

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones Review “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” S5E6

The theme of this week’s episode of Game of Thrones is truth. Okay, truthiness. Each situation that the main characters were forced with was contingent on telling the truth, Arya most of all. Littlefinger has been deceiving all parties in the guise of transparency. Cersei, meanwhile, is finding out that the truth is a very malleable concept, and she uses it to lure the Tyrell family into the grasp of the High Sparrow. Her brother, on the other hand, learned very quickly that sneaking around was not the best course of action. More sinisterly, Myranda told Sansa the truth and she completely ignored it, and by the end of the episode, she was: bowed, bent over and broken.

Pros

Faceless epiphany: Arya finally uncovers the secret of the many-faced men. She walks through a chamber, much like the Chamber of Secrets in Harry Potter, and discovers 1000’s of faces kept there. Now, I was always under the impression that there was some kind of magic or voodoo crap going on, and while it’s doubtful that these guys don’t just stash these faces in their pockets when they go out, it’s nice to know there is some type of explanation as to how this happens. Jaqen H’ghar says that while Arya is not ready to become “no one,” she was ready to become “someone else.” Maybe the Arrow?

Tyrion is the best character: Finally, Tyrion’s marathon of speech breaks down Jorah’s walls and open up about their political views. The parts I love most about Tyrion is that his conversations are always fruitful. They may not be what the other characters want to hear, but they are always what I want to hear as a fan. It took him four seasons to figure out that his last name was a curse and not a blessing, and that his cunningness is a trait with much use. His silver tongue saved not only his own genitalia, but rescued Jorah Mormont from being worked to death in the pits. Now they are both on their way to Meereen, albeit not in the best circumstances.

Dornography: With House Martell’s motto being the title of the episode, I’m glad there was finally some focus on what has been building up for most of the season so far. There’s a formal introduction to the lovebirds Trystane and Myrcella, who are really the victims of this whole ordeal. Luckily (and maybe a bit too conveniently), the Sand Snakes’ plans are foiled by Jaime and Bronn. If Jaime and Bronn can take all three of the Sand Snakes, how deadly are they? Areo Hotah is my new favorite character – at least until he dies, which is inevitable before the season ends. I’m excited to see how this unfolds and how Prince Doran, who is understandably angry over his siblings’ deaths, reacts to this situation.

Cons

Stones + Glass Houses: Cersei’s idiocy is showing for all to see. Littlefinger is playing her sooo hard, she can’t even see it because she is so caught up in her own rage. She’s unleashed a fire she can’t possibly hope to contain. Lest she forget about her multiple infractions of incest (one of which is a freaking Sparrow man) and bastard children. She’s in for some major atonement.

Withered rose: What a letdown. Lady Olenna traveled all that way to basically add fuel to the flame. Margaery was screwed the moment she opened her mouth, so Olenna not only doomed her son and heir, but her daughter and Queen, too. With the way she handled Joffrey, I was expecting some real action to take place. Obviously, she won’t take this threat lying down, but this episode was a huge misstep for House Tyrell.

Winterfail: Myranda’s jealousy led her to try to scare Sansa off with horrific stories about how she and Ramsay would mutilate and murder his past lovers. However, Sansa really should have heeded that warning – or the one staring her in the face as she accepts her marriage, Reek. Ramsay is an evil shit, and she is a dumbass for thinking things would be different for her. Ramsay is like a grown up version of Joffrey. The ending scene on their wedding night is quite possibly the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen on the show, and it did not sit well with me, mostly because I know it will only get worse from here on out. Somebody please kill this dude.

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

The Waif: I may be mistaken, but wasn’t that girl blind the last we saw her? The one Arya called a cunt? I wonder if blindness is in Arya’s future, too.

Suicide Watch: The slaver that takes Tyrion and Jorah captive is Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Oz, Lost), who will play Killer Croc in the upcoming Suicide Squad movie. After the appearance of Rila Fukushima in “High Sparrow,” could this be more than a coincidence? Also, could the irony of captors capturing the captor be any stronger?

The Dornishman’s Wife: The song Bronn tries to serenade Jaime with is a ditty from the books, most well known for being sung by Mance Rayder. It’s basically about how a Dornishman killed a man for getting busy with his wife.

Not my Godswood: Something about Ramsay and Sansa being wed underneath the Godswood just pissed me off. It was like desecrating something special. We really haven’t seen the tree used since Bran was still Lord of Winterfell, so this felt just… violating.

Hodor Hodors (Best Quotes)

“The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant.” – Malko (slaver)

“We both peddle fantasies, Brother Lancel. Mine just happen to be entertaining.” – Petyr Baelish

“Sometimes we must work with our rivals instead of destroy them.” – Lady Olenna Tyrell

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

One could argue the point that Cersei won this episode, and I certainly would not say that they are incorrect… but I hate Cersei, and since this game is rigged, I will not allow her to win. While she may have won the battle with the Tyrells, she will not win the war. Littlefinger, on the other hand, has the big picture in mind with his moves. In the interest of appearing transparent with all parties involved, he has revealed the same circumstances to each of the possible victors (aside from Stannis) in the hopes of endearing the winner and possibly supplanting whomever is kicked out of Winterfell. Worst case scenario, he has surrounded himself with subordinates in the Eyrie, whose narrow Bloody Gates make it near impossible to penetrate. He even seems willing to deliver Sansa’s head to Cersei if it means naming him Warden of the North (probably not, though). Baelish is always thinking six steps ahead of his opponents, which at this point is most everybody, so where he ends up is anybody’s guess. The only ones who have been able to match him intellectually in the story so far have been Tyrion and Varys; with them half a world away, Littlefinger can play.

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Hush Comics gives “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” a B- for showing us an episode of chess moves that, while entertaining and foreshadowing, was hard to watch as a fan.

All media credited to HBO

Game of Thrones Review “Kill the Boy” S5E5

Sometimes Game of Thrones can be so intense with the raping and murdering that we don’t get a chance to really dive into who these characters are and what motivates them. It’s a key part to story development that can be left unappreciated. Last night’s “Kill the Boy” had all the makings of senseless slaughter in its title, but it was symbolic for the changes in maturation that Sansa Stark, Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen have to make on their path to becoming leaders. The change in pace was a welcome one, and the extra focus on each story gave them a better sense of depth.

Pros

Mother’s Day: For all of those that ditched their moms to watch Game of Thrones, it was a neat little inclusion to have Daenerys go on about motherly responsibilities and such. It was also kind of nice to see her feed the head of one of the ancient families to her dragons.

Maester Aemon’s presence: After his notable absence from the last episode, Maester Aemon is clearly the voice of reason and neutrality in what has otherwise been dogs fighting over scraps. He’s basically been the steady hand patting Jon Snow on the back for his unsure decisions. While Jon is an honorable leader, he seems to lack the strategic know-how that made Robb the great commander he was before death. Aemon’s (or his successor’s) steady hands could help Jon see things more clearly

Miranda’s games: I’m a fan of when anybody pulls one over on Ramsay, as he is one slippery fish. By letting Sansa know about Reek, she’s started planting seeds in her head that Ramsay is an undesirable candidate for marriage. It might not work, because in the realm of Sansa’s betrothals, Ramsay is only second-worst. It could, however, trick Ramsay into showing his chest just enough to embarrass himself and lose his father’s favor.

Ramsay and Roose, as people: It’s easy to dismiss Ramsay and Roose Bolton as villains from the get-go, but when Game of Thrones spends more time on their individual stories… well, it’s actually even easier to define them as the bad guys. “Kill the Boy” gives a much more detailed look at who they are as people. They are from the North, and yet, they differ wildly from the Starks or the Mormonts. In their own eyes, they are not evil, and that makes their perspective all the more intriguing. Although, the loving father-child speech Roose gives is far less convincing than Stannis’ talk with Shireen.

Poetry in motion: This episode had a certain elegance to it. There wasn’t really any action (barbecue notwithstanding), yet the extra detail they paid to each scene made it feel more enveloped. The scene that left the best impression was the poem about The Doom that Jorah and Tyrion recited. Prior to Season 5, a teaser was released of Harry Lloyd (who played Viserys Targaryen) reciting the poem. It’s chilling stuff.

Rigorous Cuddling: Finally, Grey Worm professes his love… kinda… for Missandei. These two have been dancing around the issue for too damn long! Now that Grey Worm and Missandei have locked lips, it’s time to take the relationship to the next level. Grey Worm doesn’t need a professional cuddler anymore; he’s got the real deal. I hope this relationship continues to grow, but it will probably end horribly for everyone.

Cons

The Pink Panthers: Let’s be honest. Brienne and Podrick’s meandering have no bearing on what’s actually going on. They’re so convinced that they are making a difference, and that their mission is a righteous one. They aren’t, and it isn’t. It’s almost comical how irrelevant and unnecessary their mission is at this point. I’m sure that will change eventually, but right now it’s making them both look stupid.

Sansa. Still: Logic says that if a bunch of people murdered my family and came into my home that I would have a good sense of stranger danger – not Sansa. Miranda easily lures her into the kennels, filled with ferocious beasts. She has not learned a damn thing. I couldn’t imagine her becoming Wardeness of the North. I would feel so bad for those people.

Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

The Broken Tower: Brienne passes on a message to Sansa about lighting a candle in the top of The Broken Tower. That tower is the same one where all the ridiculousness started, where little Bran saw Cersei and Jaime doing the sex and was consequentially pushed from it. Stupid tower started a chain reaction of misfortune for everybody.

Awkward: I haven’t seen a more awkward family dinner since Jesse came over to the White residence on Breaking Bad. It’s embarrassing enough having to endure dinner with the people who murdered your brother and mother, but bringing in the dickless former ward of your dead father who pretend murdered your little brothers has got to make for a terrible time. These people are practically the Anti-Starks. Even Walder Fray’s greasy daughter Walda could ease the tension.

Stannis, the Grammar Nazi: All this time, we were led to believe that in Westeros, the scum of the Earth who took womenhood without permission were referred to as rapers, but after Stannis refers to them as “rapists,” were we fooled by bad grammar all along? Stannis knows his grammar, and was quick to check the Night’s Watch guy on his use of “fewer.” I’m beginning to like Stannis more each episode.

The Stone men: In “The Son of the Harpy,” Stannis tells Shireen that the case of Greyscale she had could be a lot worse, that he was advised to send her to Valyria and be with the Stone Men. Well, good thing ol Poppa Stannis has a heart, because you can imagine the homecoming a little girl would have gotten with those guys. Now that Jorah has the Greyscale, the question isn’t “How long will he live,?” but rather “Who will he give it to?” If he’s already turning into Ben Grimm after a few hours, imagine how easily he’ll spread it to unsuspecting people. Jorah will do anything to redeem his honor in the eyes of his Khaleesi, but at what cost? Can you imagine the city of Meereen victim to a plague of Greyscale? There’s not enough Lubriderm in the world to keep the disease from spreading.

Hodor Hodors (Best Quotes)

“But a good mother never gives up on her children.” – Daenerys

“Of course I do. I’m not blind.” – Ramsay, upon being asked if he thought Sansa was pretty

“Long, sullen silences and an occasion punch in the face – the Mormont way.” – Tyrion

Who won the Game of Thrones this episode?

Daenerys came out hard this week, rocking the Power Girl boob window. The chilling speech she gave before having one of the head of house sacrificed to her dragons rekindled the Daenerys of old, and pretty much cleared any question of her ability to rule I had. It was also an appropriate metaphor for her not to wipe out the people now who oppose her – and once called her Mhysa (Mother). Daario was partially right; her power resides in her dragons, and she should use them as such. However, her real power resides in capturing the trust of her people. Her decision to marry Hizdahr zo Loraq is an obvious power play, and a smart one to unite the city under her control. She has Hizdahr under her thumb, and although he can sometimes convince her to see the other side of the argument, she is never tricked into a decision she disagrees with. Some might see the marriage as a step back for her as a strong, female character, but it’s pretty obvious she is using his status to get what she wants.

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Hush Comics gives “Kill the Boy” a B+ for using a slow episode to take the time and show some depth and humanity to its roster of characters.

All media credited to HBO