Okay, GoT fans would be kidding themselves if we pretended like Westeros isn’t one of the most confusing places in all of Nerdom. Even the most devoted fans may be finding themselves in need of a super-binge refreshin’ session before the season five premiere on Sunday. But if you are anything like me, you don’t exactly have 10 hours available this weekend to devote to the Season 4 Blu-Ray. Don’t despair, if you find yourself in need of a little catch up here is Hush Comics quick and easy recap of where we left off:
Okay, first thing’s first. Do you remember that little dick, King Joffrey? And do you remember that he’s DEAD? People are still celebrating in the streets over that one. He was poisoned by Littlefinger’s doing, but it was his Uncle Tyrion Lannister that took the blame.
That dude is dead. Shot right through the bowels while using the privy. Whether or not he shit gold is up for debate, but Tywin is no more. He may have lived on as a vampire in Dracula Untold, but his time on GoT is over.
Although he puts up a good fight and mortally wounds Gregor Clegane, he is eventually killed off in one of the most fucked up ways by having his teeth knocked out, his eyes gauged out and then his skull crushed. I shudder simply recalling that episode.
Damn, I feel worse for Tyrion’s feelings than I do for this wench dying. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn. I know Shae got done dirty by Tyrion by the way he parted ways with her, but she went a little too far with the way she repaid him. And then to get caught in Tywin’s bed chamber? That’s just cold. Rest in peace, floozy.
This warger met his end trying to bring Bran to the three-eyed raven. He was a sweet guy and it was sad to see him go, but he really wasn’t about that life. He was weak, and there’s no room for weakness beyond the wall. Still, it would’ve been nice to see him last a little longer, rather than being stabbed by an animated skeleton.
Pypar & Grenn
Their deaths marked the end of Jon Snow’s innocence. It happened during such an epic episode that I didn’t really feel it, but going back and watching previous seasons really sent the feels rushing in. They were Jon’s buddies and it was sad to see them go – Pyp to an arrow from Ygritte and Grenn to a storming giant. Both will be missed.
This lady had to go. She was bat-shit crazy. After admitting to murdering her late husband, former Hand of the King Jon Arryn, Petyr broke her heart right before knocking her out the moon door. In the game of “who created all this batshit crazy chaos,” she is definitely a runner-up.
Cersei is in full momma bear mode after losing her first born. Tommen is a chance to start over, a clean slate and a son that isn’t a sociopath, but Margaery is swooping in like a seagull stealing a crab sandwich to steal Tommen’s influence. Cersei should be partially relieved by Tywin’s passing, as she no longer has to worry about being married off to Ser Loras, nor does she have to worry about having to reveal her incestuous secret to the world. At the end of the day, I still hate her – and you should, too.
After kind of having some revelation about what a dick he is, you almost forget that this entire mythology started because he decided to fuck his sister while on vacation. If he could keep it in his pants and out of the gene pool for two days, the chain reaction wouldn’t have happened. Anyway, he charged Brienne with protecting Sansa and risked it all to help Tyrion escape, so there is some redemption. However, he still wants to bang his twin sister and may have regretted his decision to rescue his brother when he finds out it was at the cost of his Head of House.
Ser Gregor Clegane may have gotten the upper hand against Oberyn in battle, but Oberyn’s use of poison let to a nasty infection that seemed to have put The Mountain down for good. His blood was all coagulated and black and disgusting (like after a snake bite! Ha! Oberyn gets the last laugh). After being medically dead, Cersei okays giving his body over to Qyburn, the Westeros equivalent of a mad scientist. He’ll probably end up as some mindless Frankenstein’s monster.
Last we saw of this character, he was getting married to Roslin Frey. This wedding had the WORST after party I’ve ever seen. Was he assassinated along with the rest of his family? Was he kept alive and demanded to swear his loyalty to Walder Frey? Many questions, with few answers.
WHERE ARE YOU? This is one of the few things we can say about The Blackfish. Last we saw of this character, he left Edmure’s wedding to go take a pee outside. He was not present for what had occurred after the ceremony. This leads us to believe he had escaped. Currently his whereabouts are unknown; however, it would be pretty neat to see him make a return for the fifth season.
We haven’t seen her in seasons, but she’s the “leverage” the Martells have used against the Lannisters, sent as a peace offering between the houses by Tyrion in his stead as Hand of the King. From what Oberyn was saying, the Dornish people are kind, and will not be looking for retaliation on her specifically for Oberyn’s death. Expect to see a lot of her in Season 5.
After seeing her babies’ daddy murdered in front of her in the grossest way possible, I’m going to assume that her stay at King’s Landing has come to an end. She is mother to the Sand Snakes – the three bastard daughters of Oberyn Martell – who will undoubtedly be looking to get revenge. I’m curious on whether Ellaria’s position is the same, or whether she will be speaking out against retribution. Oberyn’s involvement was voluntary, but The Mountain’s admission to past crimes will make for interesting dinner conversation.
Oberyn has an older, less sexually-active brother. His son is betrothed to Myrcella Baratheon, and he is confined to a wheelchair due to gout – so he’s kind of a bitch. We’ll see what happens this season after the news that The Mountain has murdered two of his siblings now.
Sansa & Littlefinger
Sansa escaped King’s Landing with Dontos Hollard after the chaos of the Purple Wedding, which was extremely lucky considering she unknowingly played a part in douche King Joffrey’s death with the poison in her necklace. Dontos leads Sansa to a ship, which is captained by Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, who then kills Dontos. The two travel all the way to the Eyrie to see her aunt Lysa Arryn. Lysa quickly goes kind of nuts and tries to kill Sansa in a fit of jealousy after seeing Petyr kiss her. Instead, Petyr pushes Lysa through the moon door and kills her. After a quick trial, a totally goth-ed out for some reason Sansa joins Petyr and Robin on a tour of the Vale.
Raisin Bran and Hodor
Last time we saw this dynamic duo, Bran was chasing his vision of the one eyed raven beyond the wall and into the North. Despite Hodor’s valiant speech against this action, Bran hopped on Hodor’s back and said mush. Finally reaching the Heart Tree from Bran’s vision the gang fell under attack by an army of skeletons. Luckily the crew was saved by a child of the forest with her magical powers. Once inside the Heart Tree, they saw no one eyed raven, but rather an old man who had been waiting for them to arrive. So what’s going to happen next? Welp, at least for this season it doesn’t matter. News broke long ago of how these two would not be appearing in the next season. If this is news to you, allow yourselves to weep ever so gently until the new season starts, for we have an Iron Throne to chase.
Roose & Ramsay Bolton
After formerly being given a proper last name, Ramsay is a dog off his leash. Roose not a good guy (I guess?). He fought in the name of Robb Stark before betraying him (with Walder Fray’s help). I mean, the guy has a flayed man as his banner, so you get the feeling that he’s generally not a nice guy. After legitimizing Ramsay, the Boltons move into Winterfell, assuming the role of warden of the North. I can’t help but feel that Ramsay is a badass, but he’s pretty unstable.
The Artist Formerly Known as Theon
Theon is no more – only Reek remains. This dickless wonder has completely lost all sense of being, and is shackled psychologically to Ramsay. He can’t even pretend to be Theon anymore. Alfie Allen is doing a phenomenal job at acting the part, and with the Boltons being as manipulative as they have been, I hope we can see more of Reek and how his role progresses. I just know that it sucks being Theon.
Rickon & Osha
I have no idea where they are or what they are up to. Bran and Hodor left them behind to go look for the three-eyed raven, and they have been out of sight, out of mind ever since. Rickon could make some comeback if Bran were to die, but my guess is that he will fade into oblivion. It would be nice to see Tonks from Harry Potter again, though.
The Super North (The Wall & Beyond)
The guy who knows nothing
Jon Snow lost his wildling lover Ygritte in at battle at The Wall. He successfully defended the Night Watch, although many Wildlings perished. Mance Rayder felt thoroughly betrayed by Jon, and just as their peace making session was about to go awry, Stannis Baratheon and Davos Seaworth showed up and killed basically all the Wildlings. Jon convinced them to take Mance prisoner instead of killing him out of respect for Ned Stark. At the mass wildling body burning Jon got the evil eye from The Red Woman, and then with a broken heart he brought Ygritte’s body to the woods and gave her a proper burial.
Samwell Tarly & Gilly
It’s all love and war in Sam’s life at the moment. I’m just going to say it, Sam’s life sucks. He is fighting a war he never wanted, he had to watch his friend Pyp die in his arms, and he is taking care of a baby that isn’t even his. Toward the end of the battle, Sam returns to where Gilly was hiding to make sure she and the baby were safe. Once again, Sam’s life sucks.
Stannis Baratheon, Melisandre & Davos
Thank God, somebody finally give two shits about the frozen ice zombies. Stannis is not a popular man, but he is flying the banner of righteousness. At least somebody cares about the fate of the seven kingdoms. They now have an army with them – supplied by the coin from the Iron Bank of Bravos. After taking advisement from Jon Snow and Mance Rayder, it will be interesting to see how Stannis takes up arms against Winter.
Just in one of the tensest moments of the season where Mance Rayder stands with Jon Snow in intense negotiations, Stannis shows up to put the entire moment on ice. However, this is just the beginning for Mance for he was taken prisoner by Stannis Boratheon along with his fellow wildlings. In season 5, I highly doubt Mance will accept this, and I smell a rebellion in the future.
Last time we viewed this vixen she was flashing some leg towards the new king Tommen in hope of becoming the new queen. Margaery desperately wants to become queen and it seems as though little will stop her in her quest. By seducing Tommen, Margaery is setting herself to gain the new title. Within this next season, I predict we will see such as union between Margaery and Tommen. A union to make all the men say, “Man, why can’t I be Tommen.” As far as the impact of this marriage, I do not know; yet, I believe it will mean more than we see.
Ser Loras Tyrell
Ser Loras is currently caught in the middle of a nasty and gross love triangle between himself, Cersei and Jamie. The only problem is Jamie and Cersei are the only ones who love each other. With the pending threat of Tywin to marry Cersei to Loras, no one seems to be happy about this. Poor Ser Loras. Remember how way back in the day, Loras beat The Mountain in a joust, well, no one cares anymore I guess.
Yara & Balon Greyjoy
After a valiant rescue attempt to rescue her brother went awry, Yara returns home, claiming that her brother is dead. The Greyjoys are typically cowards, but Yara has enough balls for the lot of them. Balon is faced with the prospect of a dickless son who is unable to continue the family line, and a daughter who is a better leader than he is.
Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, The First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of Andals, and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons is doing her best to add additional titles to her name. Last we saw of our Khaleesi, she was sadly locking her dragons away in the catacombs due to the harm Drogon has been introducing to the citizens of Meereen. There is only one problem though; THE WRONG DRAGONS HAVE BEEN LOCKED AWAY. Drogon is the single dragon causing all the problems; however, he is nowhere to be found. Yet in season 5, Daenerys appears to a major plot point in the show. We may experience more Daenaerys this season compared to others. Perhaps she is finally ready to make her move for true power.
Missandei & Greyworm
Grey Worm love Missandei. It’s crazy to see the sexual tension between these two and it makes me wish I could lend Grey Worm my penis for at least one night. I’m excited to see this power couple make moves with Daenerys in the upcoming season.
After crisping up somebody’s daughter, Dany decides to chain up Rhaegal and Viserion… even though it was Drogon that is causing all the havoc. He’s going to return this season, and it’s going to be pant-shittingly terrifying. He’s HUGE now, which makes me wonder just how big the other two are, and whether or not they are even Team Dany anymore.
The Cripples, Bastards & Broken Things (Odds and Ends)
When it came time for Tyrion’s trial by combat Prince Oberyn Martell (the Red Viper) volunteered to champion for him, wanting to take advantage of the man who raped and killed his sister Elia, who happens to be Tyrion’s opponent. All the horror of that battle aside, the Red Viper’s death ultimately means that Tyrion’s fate was sealed and he was sentenced to death. He managed to escape prison with the help of Jaime and Varys, and discovered Shae in his father’s bed. After strangling her, he finds his father, Tywin Lannister, and shoots him in the stomach and then heart with a crossbow after a tearful confrontation. But that guy was a total dick, so I don’t think he’ll be missed. Varys, upon realizing that the king has fallen, decides to board the ship with Tyrion and leave his life at Westeros behind him.
Arya was on a ship headed to Braavos when we last saw her. She is no longer accompanied by Sandor (The Hound) as she left him for dead at the bottom of a small cliff after he lost his fight with Brienne of Tarth. Brienne and Podrick Payne fought Sandor because they thought they were entitled to keep Arya instead of him. The Hound’s status is unknown because we didn’t see him die, so there is a chance he will show back up.
The late King Robert’s bastard narrowly escaped murder at the hands of a deluded Stannis Baratheon at Dragonstone, and is on the run… somewhere. There’s no way his journey is over, but it might be a while until something useful comes to fruition.
Looks like General Friend-Zone is out on his own now. Due to Daenerys finally knowing Jorah was originally sent as a spy for Varys, she banishes him from Meereen forever. It was Barristan who received the letter of Jorah’s pardon and proceeded to pass the note on to Daenerys. It will be very interesting to see where Jorah ends up in season 5. Regardless, I fail to believe his story is over.
Game of Thrones returns for Season 5 TODAY, April 12th, on HBO.
All images belong to HBO. Article written by Evan Lowe, Keriann McCauliffe and Sherif Elkhatib