Game of Thrones: Catching Up for the Season 5 Premiere

Okay, GoT fans would be kidding themselves if we pretended like Westeros isn’t one of the most confusing places in all of Nerdom. Even the most devoted fans may be finding themselves in need of a super-binge refreshin’ session before the season five premiere on Sunday. But if you are anything like me, you don’t exactly have 10 hours available this weekend to devote to the Season 4 Blu-Ray. Don’t despair, if you find yourself in need of a little catch up here is Hush Comics quick and easy recap of where we left off:

Dead People

Joffrey

Okay, first thing’s first. Do you remember that little dick, King Joffrey? And do you remember that he’s DEAD? People are still celebrating in the streets over that one. He was poisoned by Littlefinger’s doing, but it was his Uncle Tyrion Lannister that took the blame.

Tywin Lannister

That dude is dead. Shot right through the bowels while using the privy. Whether or not he shit gold is up for debate, but Tywin is no more. He may have lived on as a vampire in Dracula Untold, but his time on GoT is over.

Oberyn Martell

Although he puts up a good fight and mortally wounds Gregor Clegane, he is eventually killed off in one of the most fucked up ways by having his teeth knocked out, his eyes gauged out and then his skull crushed. I shudder simply recalling that episode.

Shae

Damn, I feel worse for Tyrion’s feelings than I do for this wench dying. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn. I know Shae got done dirty by Tyrion by the way he parted ways with her, but she went a little too far with the way she repaid him. And then to get caught in Tywin’s bed chamber? That’s just cold. Rest in peace, floozy.

Jojen Reed

This warger met his end trying to bring Bran to the three-eyed raven. He was a sweet guy and it was sad to see him go, but he really wasn’t about that life. He was weak, and there’s no room for weakness beyond the wall. Still, it would’ve been nice to see him last a little longer, rather than being stabbed by an animated skeleton.

Pypar & Grenn

Their deaths marked the end of Jon Snow’s innocence. It happened during such an epic episode that I didn’t really feel it, but going back and watching previous seasons really sent the feels rushing in. They were Jon’s buddies and it was sad to see them go – Pyp to an arrow from Ygritte and Grenn to a storming giant. Both will be missed.

Lysa Arryn

This lady had to go. She was bat-shit crazy. After admitting to murdering her late husband, former Hand of the King Jon Arryn, Petyr broke her heart right before knocking her out the moon door. In the game of “who created all this batshit crazy chaos,” she is definitely a runner-up.

Team Lannister

Cersei

Cersei is in full momma bear mode after losing her first born. Tommen is a chance to start over, a clean slate and a son that isn’t a sociopath, but Margaery is swooping in like a seagull stealing a crab sandwich to steal Tommen’s influence. Cersei should be partially relieved by Tywin’s passing, as she no longer has to worry about being married off to Ser Loras, nor does she have to worry about having to reveal her incestuous secret to the world. At the end of the day, I still hate her – and you should, too.

Jaime

After kind of having some revelation about what a dick he is, you almost forget that this entire mythology started because he decided to fuck his sister while on vacation. If he could keep it in his pants and out of the gene pool for two days, the chain reaction wouldn’t have happened. Anyway, he charged Brienne with protecting Sansa and risked it all to help Tyrion escape, so there is some redemption. However, he still wants to bang his twin sister and may have regretted his decision to rescue his brother when he finds out it was at the cost of his Head of House.

The Mountain

Ser Gregor Clegane may have gotten the upper hand against Oberyn in battle, but Oberyn’s use of poison let to a nasty infection that seemed to have put The Mountain down for good. His blood was all coagulated and black and disgusting (like after a snake bite! Ha! Oberyn gets the last laugh). After being medically dead, Cersei okays giving his body over to Qyburn, the Westeros equivalent of a mad scientist. He’ll probably end up as some mindless Frankenstein’s monster.

Team Tully

Edmure Tully

Last we saw of this character, he was getting married to Roslin Frey. This wedding had the WORST after party I’ve ever seen. Was he assassinated along with the rest of his family? Was he kept alive and demanded to swear his loyalty to Walder Frey? Many questions, with few answers.

Brynden Tully

WHERE ARE YOU? This is one of the few things we can say about The Blackfish. Last we saw of this character, he left Edmure’s wedding to go take a pee outside. He was not present for what had occurred after the ceremony. This leads us to believe he had escaped. Currently his whereabouts are unknown; however, it would be pretty neat to see him make a return for the fifth season.

Team Martell

Mycella

We haven’t seen her in seasons, but she’s the “leverage” the Martells have used against the Lannisters, sent as a peace offering between the houses by Tyrion in his stead as Hand of the King. From what Oberyn was saying, the Dornish people are kind, and will not be looking for retaliation on her specifically for Oberyn’s death. Expect to see a lot of her in Season 5.

Ellaria Sand

After seeing her babies’ daddy murdered in front of her in the grossest way possible, I’m going to assume that her stay at King’s Landing has come to an end. She is mother to the Sand Snakes – the three bastard daughters of Oberyn Martell – who will undoubtedly be looking to get revenge. I’m curious on whether Ellaria’s position is the same, or whether she will be speaking out against retribution. Oberyn’s involvement was voluntary, but The Mountain’s admission to past crimes will make for interesting dinner conversation.

Doran Martell

Oberyn has an older, less sexually-active brother. His son is betrothed to Myrcella Baratheon, and he is confined to a wheelchair due to gout – so he’s kind of a bitch. We’ll see what happens this season after the news that The Mountain has murdered two of his siblings now.

The North

Sansa & Littlefinger

Sansa escaped King’s Landing with Dontos Hollard after the chaos of the Purple Wedding, which was extremely lucky considering she unknowingly played a part in douche King Joffrey’s death with the poison in her necklace. Dontos leads Sansa to a ship, which is captained by Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, who then kills Dontos. The two travel all the way to the Eyrie to see her aunt Lysa Arryn. Lysa quickly goes kind of nuts and tries to kill Sansa in a fit of jealousy after seeing Petyr kiss her. Instead, Petyr pushes Lysa through the moon door and kills her. After a quick trial, a totally goth-ed out for some reason Sansa joins Petyr and Robin on a tour of the Vale.

Raisin Bran and Hodor

Last time we saw this dynamic duo, Bran was chasing his vision of the one eyed raven beyond the wall and into the North. Despite Hodor’s valiant speech against this action, Bran hopped on Hodor’s back and said mush. Finally reaching the Heart Tree from Bran’s vision the gang fell under attack by an army of skeletons. Luckily the crew was saved by a child of the forest with her magical powers. Once inside the Heart Tree, they saw no one eyed raven, but rather an old man who had been waiting for them to arrive. So what’s going to happen next? Welp, at least for this season it doesn’t matter. News broke long ago of how these two would not be appearing in the next season. If this is news to you, allow yourselves to weep ever so gently until the new season starts, for we have an Iron Throne to chase.

Roose & Ramsay Bolton

After formerly being given a proper last name, Ramsay is a dog off his leash. Roose not a good guy (I guess?). He fought in the name of Robb Stark before betraying him (with Walder Fray’s help). I mean, the guy has a flayed man as his banner, so you get the feeling that he’s generally not a nice guy. After legitimizing Ramsay, the Boltons move into Winterfell, assuming the role of warden of the North. I can’t help but feel that Ramsay is a badass, but he’s pretty unstable.

The Artist Formerly Known as Theon

Theon is no more – only Reek remains. This dickless wonder has completely lost all sense of being, and is shackled psychologically to Ramsay. He can’t even pretend to be Theon anymore. Alfie Allen is doing a phenomenal job at acting the part, and with the Boltons being as manipulative as they have been, I hope we can see more of Reek and how his role progresses. I just know that it sucks being Theon.

Rickon & Osha

I have no idea where they are or what they are up to. Bran and Hodor left them behind to go look for the three-eyed raven, and they have been out of sight, out of mind ever since. Rickon could make some comeback if Bran were to die, but my guess is that he will fade into oblivion. It would be nice to see Tonks from Harry Potter again, though.

The Super North (The Wall & Beyond)

The guy who knows nothing

Jon Snow lost his wildling lover Ygritte in at battle at The Wall. He successfully defended the Night Watch, although many Wildlings perished. Mance Rayder felt thoroughly betrayed by Jon, and just as their peace making session was about to go awry, Stannis Baratheon and Davos Seaworth showed up and killed basically all the Wildlings. Jon convinced them to take Mance prisoner instead of killing him out of respect for Ned Stark. At the mass wildling body burning Jon got the evil eye from The Red Woman, and then with a broken heart he brought Ygritte’s body to the woods and gave her a proper burial.

Samwell Tarly & Gilly

It’s all love and war in Sam’s life at the moment. I’m just going to say it, Sam’s life sucks. He is fighting a war he never wanted, he had to watch his friend Pyp die in his arms, and he is taking care of a baby that isn’t even his. Toward the end of the battle, Sam returns to where Gilly was hiding to make sure she and the baby were safe. Once again, Sam’s life sucks.

Stannis Baratheon, Melisandre & Davos

Thank God, somebody finally give two shits about the frozen ice zombies. Stannis is not a popular man, but he is flying the banner of righteousness. At least somebody cares about the fate of the seven kingdoms. They now have an army with them – supplied by the coin from the Iron Bank of Bravos. After taking advisement from Jon Snow and Mance Rayder, it will be interesting to see how Stannis takes up arms against Winter.

Mance Rayder

Just in one of the tensest moments of the season where Mance Rayder stands with Jon Snow in intense negotiations, Stannis shows up to put the entire moment on ice. However, this is just the beginning for Mance for he was taken prisoner by Stannis Boratheon along with his fellow wildlings. In season 5, I highly doubt Mance will accept this, and I smell a rebellion in the future. 

Team Tyrell

Margaery Tyrell

Last time we viewed this vixen she was flashing some leg towards the new king Tommen in hope of becoming the new queen. Margaery desperately wants to become queen and it seems as though little will stop her in her quest. By seducing Tommen, Margaery is setting herself to gain the new title. Within this next season, I predict we will see such as union between Margaery and Tommen. A union to make all the men say, “Man, why can’t I be Tommen.” As far as the impact of this marriage, I do not know; yet, I believe it will mean more than we see.

Ser Loras Tyrell

Ser Loras is currently caught in the middle of a nasty and gross love triangle between himself, Cersei and Jamie. The only problem is Jamie and Cersei are the only ones who love each other. With the pending threat of Tywin to marry Cersei to Loras, no one seems to be happy about this. Poor Ser Loras. Remember how way back in the day, Loras beat The Mountain in a joust, well, no one cares anymore I guess.

Team Greyjoy

Yara & Balon Greyjoy

After a valiant rescue attempt to rescue her brother went awry, Yara returns home, claiming that her brother is dead. The Greyjoys are typically cowards, but Yara has enough balls for the lot of them. Balon is faced with the prospect of a dickless son who is unable to continue the family line, and a daughter who is a better leader than he is.

Team Dany

Daenerys Targaryen

Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, The First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of Andals, and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons is doing her best to add additional titles to her name. Last we saw of our Khaleesi, she was sadly locking her dragons away in the catacombs due to the harm Drogon has been introducing to the citizens of Meereen. There is only one problem though; THE WRONG DRAGONS HAVE BEEN LOCKED AWAY. Drogon is the single dragon causing all the problems; however, he is nowhere to be found. Yet in season 5, Daenerys appears to a major plot point in the show. We may experience more Daenaerys this season compared to others. Perhaps she is finally ready to make her move for true power.

Missandei & Greyworm

Grey Worm love Missandei. It’s crazy to see the sexual tension between these two and it makes me wish I could lend Grey Worm my penis for at least one night. I’m excited to see this power couple make moves with Daenerys in the upcoming season.

The Dragons

After crisping up somebody’s daughter, Dany decides to chain up Rhaegal and Viserion… even though it was Drogon that is causing all the havoc. He’s going to return this season, and it’s going to be pant-shittingly terrifying. He’s HUGE now, which makes me wonder just how big the other two are, and whether or not they are even Team Dany anymore.

The Cripples, Bastards & Broken Things (Odds and Ends)

Tyrion

When it came time for Tyrion’s trial by combat Prince Oberyn Martell (the Red Viper) volunteered to champion for him, wanting to take advantage of the man who raped and killed his sister Elia, who happens to be Tyrion’s opponent. All the horror of that battle aside, the Red Viper’s death ultimately means that Tyrion’s fate was sealed and he was sentenced to death. He managed to escape prison with the help of Jaime and Varys, and discovered Shae in his father’s bed. After strangling her, he finds his father, Tywin Lannister, and shoots him in the stomach and then heart with a crossbow after a tearful confrontation. But that guy was a total dick, so I don’t think he’ll be missed. Varys, upon realizing that the king has fallen, decides to board the ship with Tyrion and leave his life at Westeros behind him.

Arya Stark

Arya was on a ship headed to Braavos when we last saw her. She is no longer accompanied by Sandor (The Hound) as she left him for dead at the bottom of a small cliff after he lost his fight with Brienne of Tarth. Brienne and Podrick Payne fought Sandor because they thought they were entitled to keep Arya instead of him. The Hound’s status is unknown because we didn’t see him die, so there is a chance he will show back up.

Gendry

The late King Robert’s bastard narrowly escaped murder at the hands of a deluded Stannis Baratheon at Dragonstone, and is on the run… somewhere. There’s no way his journey is over, but it might be a while until something useful comes to fruition.

Jorah Mormont

Looks like General Friend-Zone is out on his own now. Due to Daenerys finally knowing Jorah was originally sent as a spy for Varys, she banishes him from Meereen forever. It was Barristan who received the letter of Jorah’s pardon and proceeded to pass the note on to Daenerys. It will be very interesting to see where Jorah ends up in season 5. Regardless, I fail to believe his story is over.

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Game of Thrones returns for Season 5 TODAY, April 12th, on HBO.

All images belong to HBO. Article written by Evan Lowe, Keriann McCauliffe and Sherif Elkhatib

 

Game of Thrones Review “The Laws of Gods and Men” S4E6

Well, it’s been two weeks now, and it’s official, I miss Joffrey. I even went as far as to watch Batman Begins and skipped chapters to his scene with Katie Holmes (Rachel Dawes) as he clutched her side while Gotham was being ransacked.

This also prompted me to return to season one of GoT. Hungry for spoilers I found Littlefinger’s diatribe about revenge in You Win or You Die to be especially juicy. He said, “I learned that I’ll never win, not that way. That’s their game, their rules. I’m not going to fight them. I’m going to fuck them. That’s what I know, that’s what I am, and only by admitting what we are do we get what we want.”

We open with Stannis Baratheon on a ship entering the shores of Bravvos underneath a huge stone statue of a soldier. The scene was pretty LOTR looking if you ask me. He seeks council with The Iron Bank. Stannis pleads his case to the bank for the throne of Westeros. He only has 4,000 men and 32 ships, not nearly enough to defeat the Lannisters. The Iron Bank declines.

Ser Davos intercedes and makes the argument that after Tywin is gone, who will take the throne? How will the bank recover its losses to the Lannisters? He convinces the bank and recruits his long time pirate friend Salladhor Sam, aka the Lando Calrissian of this Game of Thrones shit.

Next, the Greyjoys attack. Yara leads a small army on Ramsay Snow at Dreadfort. She gives a Braveheart-like speech. They must return Theon home and punish those that have hurt him. But Theon is no longer Theon, he is Reek. Ramsay has made sure of that. Yara plans to storm the dungeons only to find out that Reek lives in the kennel with the dogs. The Greyjoys give a valiant effort to free Reek and escape, but Reek refuses and his resistance nearly costs them their lives. He has been broken and now belongs to Ramsay. I wanted to feel sorry for him until I remembered how much of a dick he was…literally. Yara and her army leave him with Ramsay and declare him a lost cause.

Reek is rewarded with a bath. His obedience is frightening. He has been broken. Snow can now use Theon to do whatever he wants. Ramsay now plots a take over of Dreadfort.

Green hills. Clear skies. A picture perfect day in Meereen for a boy, his father and their flock of sheep, until a dragon the size of a school bus rises over a cliff and burns everything in sight! Remember that shitty Christian Bale movie, Reign of Fire? Even though the movie sucked, the dragons were awesome. They had a great way of moving stealth until a fatal strike. That’s how Dany’s dragon got the drop on the flock. I have to admit, the scene was pretty epic.

Queen Daenerys is on her throne. Her first act is to pay the shepherd three times what his flock was worth after her dragon’s afternoon snack. One of Meereen’s citizens comes to Dany for funeral rights for his father, a former master of Meereen. He pleads her to take the crucified masters down as a son who loved his father. She grants his wish as her first act of mercy. Don’t get too excited, she still has 212 supplicants to go. Ser Jorah rolls his eyes.

Knight Court

Lord Oberyn of Dorne is now on the council at Kings Landing. The council discusses rumors of, “The Mountain’ and “The Hound.” But the more pressing issue is Daenery’s and her Unsullied, three dragons, Ser Jorah and Ser Barristan at her side. Tywin believes Dany should be dealt with and a plan is hatched.

Lord Varys and Oberyn speak about the Unsullied. Oberyn determines where Varys is from originally. When asked about his sexual tastes, Varys replies, “Absence of desire leaves one free to pursue other things.”

Jamie greets Tyrion in his cell. It is time for his trial. After being cuffed, Tyrion spouts, “Well, we mustn’t disappoint father.” The two King-slayers walk into the great chamber. Tommen is shown respect as king of The Iron Throne. He recuses himself from the trial. As he walks away Tyrion seems disappointed, he was once quite fond of the child.

Tywin takes control of the trial and seats himself in the Iron Throne. In response to his father’s accusation of murder he proclaims, “Blame the pigeons, just leave me out of it.” In reference to the Pigeon Pie Joffrey ate as he died. Without question Joffrey was poisoned by The Strangler, a concoction made from plants of the Jade Sea. The poison kills its victims by making it appear as if they choked to death. Witness after witness are called to the stand and all accuse Tyrion of the deed. They use his own words against him. Cersei has her day in court as well. Tyrion is being railroaded. Lord Varys all but accuses him of treason when he implies that Tyrion was sympathetic to the Stark’s cause. Tyrion asked him whether or not he forgot the victory at Blackwater. It wasn’t enough to bring Lord Varys to his aid.

Jamie fights for his brother, this is the most honorable we have seen him. He begs Tywin to spare Tyrion’s life. He recalls that he killed the Mad King to save Tywin. Without Tyrion he will have no one to carry the Lannister banner into future battles. He offers to take Tywin’s place as heir if he saves Tyrion’s life. An offer is made. If Tyrion admits to murdering the king he will spend the rest of his days on The Wall with The Knight’s Watch. Jamie plans this strategy with his brother. Jamie tells him to beg for mercy. Tyrion has a moment of hope before the bottom falls. They call Shae as a witness. Tyrion is shocked. Sidenote; The acting in this scene is brilliant, shout out to Peter Dinklage! He is by far the most entertaining actor on this show.
Shae is heart-broken and bitter. She lies and says that Tyrion and Sansa plotted against Joffrey. She claims that she heard the whole thing and knew that he stole the poison. Her true motives are revealed when she proclaims that she was his property, his whore. Now he is broken. All of the things that he has said and done have now come back to haunt him. Shae says that he promised to kill King Joffrey for Sansa. Tyrion has had enough. He confesses and blurts to the onlookers that he, “Should have let Stannis kill you all!” Referring back to the battle of Blackwater.

One of the most powerful moments in the entire series comes next. Tyrion is tired and defeated. He has nowhere else to hide. There is no place behind the Lannister name, neither behind his wit or his drunkenness. All he has is pride, and he uses it to his advantage. He proclaims;

“Yes father I’m guilty. I’m guilty of a far more monstrous crime. I’m on trial for being a dwarf. I’ve been on trial my entire life. I wish I was the monster you think I am.”

“I demand a trial by combat.”

Next week’s episode is Mockingbird
This episode was written by Byran Cogman

Pictures courtesy of HBO.com, Huffingtonpost.com and MTV.com

Game of Thrones Review “Two Swords” S4E1

Game of Thrones for the casual Throny

Going through Walking Dead withdrawal? No need to go into a digital 12 step program because Game of Thrones is back! I’ve been a die hard fan for the first three seasons and, although I have only read the first book in the series, I fancy myself enough of a casual fan to walk you through the premier of Season 4, “Two Swords!” Caution: major spoilers for the first three seasons ahead.

Two things you need to know before we get started: the Lannisters are assholes and someone is either going to get fucked or killed in any given episode.

Seriously. What a douche.

There isn’t a show on television that does sex and gratuitous violence better than GOT. Season three ended with the Lannisters’ (dicks of Westeros) total domination over nearly all of their enemies. Resident teenage sociopath, King Joffrey Bieber sits on the throne after surviving an uprising at King’s Landing (Capital of The Seven Kingdoms). He is preparing to wed Margaery Tyrell to add stability to the realms. The rebel army from the North has been defeated with Robb Stark betrayed and beheaded. His mother, Catelyn Stark also died in glorious fashion in last season’s Red Wedding by the orders of Tywin Lannister, (if you haven’t seen it, make it a HBOgo night). The Mother of Dragons, Daenerys Targaryen, leads an army more than 10,000 strong to avenge her family and over-throw the Lannisters. Jamie has returned to King’s Landing missing a right hand but gaining some much needed humility. Sansa Stark is in mourning over the news of the demise of her mother and her brother, but her short – in stature, but not in heart – husband Tyrion Lannister is by her side. Wildlings plan to attack The Wall and The White Walkers are still coming!

Now that we’ve brought you up to speed, let’s pick up the pieces from The Red Wedding. “Two Swords” begins with patriarch Tywin Lannister melting down Ned Stark’s Valyrian steel sword and refashioning it into two blades, one for himself, and one for his now deformed son Jamie. Hence the title of the premier, Two Swords. Jamie is struggling to find a place for himself. He refuses to take rule over Lannister stronghold, Casterly Rock, and is rejected by his sister and former lover Cersei Lannister (Yes, that is totally normal in the Thrones world).

We are not deprived of fan favorite Tyrion Lannister. The newlywed is tasked to greet a party of Dorne dignitaries arriving for Joffrey’s wedding. We are introduced to a new player in our game, Prince Oberyn Martell. We find him at Littlefinger’s brothel picking whores for his appetite. Oberyn also has a fierce hatred for all things Lannister and tells Tyrion that his sister, Elia was married to Rhaegar Targaryen, commonly referred to as the Mad King. She and her children were murdered by the Lannisters in their coup of King’s Landing. Oberyn is here to inform Tywin that, “Lannisters aren’t the only ones who pay their debts.”

Jon Snow has returned to the Knight’s Watch a different man. He has been through hell and he knows it. He has narrowly escaped death, his family has been slaughtered, and there are armies amassing on the other side of the wall. He faces trial for breaking his vows but is allowed to live because of his knowledge of what lies beyond. He is the most valuable asset to Castle Black, and perhaps the entire Kingdom. He is being followed by his former Wilding lover turned crazy ex-girlfriend, Ygritte. She is determined to have vengeance for Jon’s betrayal.

Daenerys is in dire need of the How to Train Your Dragon guidebook. They are growing out of control and may soon become more of a liability. She leads her freed slave-army Meereen, on yet another siege to free bonded souls. Note, the role of Daario, advisor and warrior to her army, was recast this season. His character is making brash attempts to win her heart – and so far, he is succeeding.

 My personal favorite badass, swords-woman, Brienne of Tarth, has followed Jamie to King’s Landing and reminds him that he made an oath to protect the remaining Starks. Brienne is noble and morally pure (as far as we’ve seen). She’s the one untainted spot in a world stained with traitors, thieves, murderers and rapists. The only other character with a sense of nobility like that was Ned Stark – and we know what that did for him. Could this be Jamie’s opportunity for redemption? He does bring up a good point about Sansa, though. Where in the world would she be safe? To a certain degree,  we at Hush thought that her misery was just really rough Karma, but how long before she plots her revenge?

Finally, we are reunited with Arya, my absolute favorite character, and boy is she pissed. She travels with The Hound. They are traveling to The Vale where he intends to sell her to her crazy Aunt Lysa, (remember the awkward breast-feeding one?) They stumble upon an inn where she recognizes Polliver, one of the king’s men and her former kidnapper. He is in possession of her sword, Needle and she wants it back.

 

She also wants revenge for the death of her friend whom he killed in cold blood. She did not get this satisfaction for Mycah, the butcher’s boy who The Hound murdered. The Hound replies with one of Sherif’s favorite lines: “A man has to have a code,” a clear nod to Omar and Bunk’s conversation in The Wire. This was her opportunity to have revenge and forgive The Hound. The pair murder all in the inn and Arya stains her hands with the blood of her enemies. She has become a killer and is a serious threat to all who have wronged her. 

“Two Swords” was a much needed push back into our world of dragons and wolves. This season promises to have more death and sex and will keep us talking on Monday morning. Next week’s episode, “The Lion and the Rose” puts us North of the wall with Bran! All Men Must Die! The lion is Joffrey  and Margaery’s the rose (her mother is often referred to as The Mother of the Rose), so we’re looking forward to learning more reasons why we should hate Joffrey and more reasons we should love MargaeryTyrell (other than her GQ cover shoot)

All media credited to HBO

Written by John Soweto

Shut Up and Take My Money: Game of Thrones Dragon Egg Canister

The money in our bank account is limited, so how unfair is it that there are endless gadgets, collectibles and toys out there that demand to be purchased? Let us help you sift through the crap, so you don’t can save that hard-earned cash for the things that deserve it. In other words, we give you the power to go to the counter and say, “Shut Up and Take My Money!”

Item: Game of Thrones Dragon Egg Canister

What it is: Holy Mother of Dragons, Batman! HBO and Game of Thrones have released a cookie jar based of the design of one of Khaleesi’s dragon eggs. Rhaegal (the dragon that hatches from the green egg; there are also Viserion and Drogon who hatch from other-colored eggs) may be growing up and are causing a ruckus throughout the Seven Kingdoms, but Thronies like myself remember when they were precious cargo, thought to never hatch. The eggs themselves are beautifully painted and definitely looks like a dragon egg is supposed to. Plus, they hold cookies

How Much it Costs: This ceramic piece of destiny will run you $30. You can find it all over: from Amazon to ThinkGeek to the HBO Store. I’m not sure how long they’ll be available, as collectibles like this aren’t as hot of a commodity, but tend to disappear to the barren wastelands of eBay, where people love to upcharge collectibles like this for 200-300% of the original price.

Is It Worth It?: At $30, this dragon egg is considerably less than the cost of raising an army to challenge the Iron Throne, but more than the monthly cost of subscribing to HBO to watch GoT. When you look at buying an actual cookie jar, $30 sounds down-right expensive. I mean, it’s an item that is likely to sit around and collect crumbs for years. However, this is no ordinary cookie jar; this is Daenerys Targaryen’s dragon egg we’re talking about here. Friends will envy you and enemies will fear you with this cookie jar at your side!

mmmm…. cookie….

Bottom Line: If eating cookies and watching Game of Thrones is your thing, this is for you. It might clutter up the kitchen, but it could add some flavor to your home, especially if you are a GoT enthusiast. This is the kind of things Birthday gifts were made of, easily justifiable for a friend, but hard to justify to spend on yourself. However you plan on eating your baked goods, join Game of Thrones for the Season 4 premiere, airing on April 6, 2014.

Photos credited to HBO Television

Written by Sherif Elkhatib